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ODE TO THE MOON
Here I am,
Sitting in the middle of the night.
Here I am,
Looking at her feminine might.
Yes, I love her
I wish I can go up there
No matter how and what it takes to be with her
She is the treasure I hold so dear
The treasure that worth more
Than the secret city of Paititi
The gentle damsel that absents sore
I wish I can dwell with her in no man’s city.
The queen that brings joy to my soul at night
Since I cannot meet you there
I wish to prepare a place in a fortnight
To welcome you in the lost but found Amber room here.
Till you come my lovely Moon
Let the love I now sing sink into you.
As your light illuminates my soul to sleep.
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Thu, 2017-04-27 19:46
Christiano
Firstly welcome to Neopoet.
Your first write here was very good a dream scene and a drift into another world where you the moon and another will float till dawn..
Yours, Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Cristiano Williams
Mon, 2017-05-01 18:22
Thanks so much Sparrow. That
Thanks so much Sparrow. That's encouraging.
author commentEumolpus
Thu, 2017-04-27 22:44
Nice poem
Some very nice brush stokes, and some nice music. Love the sound and exoticism of "Paititi", and the personification of the moon as your beloved/lover.
A few comments: There have been so many poems with that title I would consider another.
Why not try to rhyme the last stanza and not be the sole stanza not rhymed?
The words "damsel" and "fortnight" are archaic, stands out to me in a poem composed in the modern style.
Your profile says you are from Nigeria. I'm excited to see more poems as your life experience is so different from mine, and you have the poet's eye and ear. Welcome.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Cristiano Williams
Mon, 2017-05-01 18:34
Thanks so much dear for your
Thanks so much dear for your comment. You just took me few steps further to learning more about poetry.
author commentCristiano Williams
Mon, 2017-05-01 18:40
Hahaha. That's much sense
Hahaha. That's much sense flowing withing your words. Thanks for the words garnished for encouragement.
author commentCristiano Williams
Mon, 2017-05-01 18:41
Thanks Audri.
Thanks Audri.
author commentCristiano Williams
Mon, 2017-05-01 18:44
Oh! Thanks so much. Am
Oh! Thanks so much. Am drowning in joy. Thanks ones again for taking your time to go through my work. I will get improve I promise.
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2017-05-01 00:01
Hello Christiano
Again, welcome to the site
Here I am,
Sitting in the middle of the night.
Here I am,
Looking at her feminine might.
(Personally I would cull the second 'here I am')
Yes, I love her
I wish I can go up there ('could' is better grammar than 'can' in this context)
No matter how and what it takes to be with her
She is the treasure I hold so dear
The treasure that worth more (that's or that is - for grammar)
Than the secret city of Paititi
The gentle damsel that absents sore
I wish I can dwell with her in no man’s city.
(I would cut 'in no man's city' - just imo you don't need it - it seems to be here for the purpose of rhyme onle)
The queen that brings joy to my soul at night
Since I cannot meet you there
I wish to prepare a place in a fortnight (again, i would cull 'in a fortnight' for the same reason.... forget rhyme if it becomes forced)
To welcome you in the lost but found Amber room here.
Till you come my lovely Moon
Let the love I now sing sink into you.
As your light illuminates my soul to sleep.
~~~~~
Thus it could be more like:
Here I am,
Sitting in the middle of the night.
Looking at her feminine might.
Yes, I love her
I wish I could go up there
No matter how and what it takes to be with her
She is the treasure I hold so dear
The treasure that's worth more
Than the secret city of Paititi
The gentle damsel that absents sore
I wish I could dwell with her
The queen that brings joy to my soul at night
Since I cannot meet you there
I wish to prepare a place
To welcome you
in the lost but found Amber room here.
Till you come my lovely Moon
Let the love I now sing sink into you.
As your light illuminates my soul to sleep.
~~~~
I like the use of the word 'damsel'
Perhaps a different title.... not really necessary imo....but something more poweful than just saying it is an ode might work better
I hope this has been of help
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Cristiano Williams
Mon, 2017-05-01 18:46
Thanks so much Judy. I
Thanks so much Judy. I registered all you wrote into my medulla. I promise to improve in my next poem. I love you.
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