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Yesterday is gone, today is here
The future remains the offspring of today.
For as the day melts into night and night to day
Our hope for the celestial abode persevere.
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
jane210660
Wed, 2017-05-03 07:04
If this is for the metre
If this is for the metre workshop, its title is not relevant as it is to show you have understood iambic pentameter.
It needs saving under the workshop tab.
Go to edit, scroll down to workshop, select metre workshop and save. If you can't manage that, post it on workshop thread.
It isn't a part of the workshop here.
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Cristiano Williams
Wed, 2017-05-03 18:25
Thanks for the help Jane.
Thanks for the help Jane.
author commentjane210660
Wed, 2017-05-03 20:04
Yeup
It's in the right place now. Jx
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Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
Keith Logan
Wed, 2017-05-03 11:06
Time Shift
Lost in time
Chronos
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
judyanne
Wed, 2017-05-03 11:43
A nice little write Cristiano
It has a nice even rhythm to it.... I'm presuming this is not for the workshop as it isn't iambic, rather mixed verse
A tiny grammar error
Our hope for the celestial abode persevere.
You can have
Our hope for the celestial abode perseveres.
Or
Our hopes for the celestial abode persevere.
Also, I feel the third verse is a tad long...
And you have used the word 'today' twice, close together, in a very short poem. It's a good idea to repeat as few words as possible in any poem, especially short ones
Here's my edit
I stress that this is in my opinion only.... but can you feel the difference in the rhythm?
Yesterday is gone, today is here
The future remains the offspring of the now.
For as day melts to night and night back to day
Our hope for the celestial abode perseveres.
I like Keith's suggestions for the title
My suggestion
Faith
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
judyanne
Thu, 2017-05-04 03:17
My error Christiano
So sorry ... it is for the shop after all.... the above edit I did is in free verse, not iambic....
Your poem is not iambic pentameter, I'm afraid
Good try though... do persevere, it will come
I have parsed it to show you the feet you have used....
YES-ter | DAY is | GONE, to |-DAY is | HERE
trochee | trochee | trochee | trochee | half foot
Pentameter
the FUT |-ture re- MAINS | the OFF-| spring of |to-DAY.
Iambic | anapaest | iamic |pyrrhic |iambic
Pentameter
for AS | the DAY | MELTS IN-| to NIGHT | and NIGHT | to DAY
Iambic | iambic | spondee | iambic | iambic | iambic
Hexameter
our HOPE | for the | CEL -es-tial | a-BODE | PER-se- |VERE.
Iambic | pyrrhic | dactyl | iambic | trochee | half foot
Hexameter
Hope this helps
Love judy
xxx
.
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
wesley snow
Sat, 2017-05-06 15:01
Christiano,
this is essentially free verse. The ta - TUM of iambic rhythm is simply not there in most cases. My suggestion? Don't force it. Listen to it after you've penned it and read it naturally as though it were not poetry. Then decide if the strict rhythm of iamb is there or not.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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