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THE BLUEPRINT TO A WONDERFUL EXISTENCE
I know I shall sleep in death one day
To wake up for questions
About the path I now tread
Of course, as a master of my fate.
But that does not make me lazy to know
That my only chance for survival is to keep moving forward
Knowing there are miles to go before I sleep
To wake up on that faithful day
Yes I shall die
An act that proves I am mortal.
An act that proves that am inferior
The blueprint to my wonderful existence.
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Please I would love to get suggestions about a perfect title to this poem. It also open for critique and amendments. Thanks
Editing stage:
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Comments
jane210660
Tue, 2017-05-02 07:16
Hi
A lovely poem.
One edit I might suggest is on the third line you write trod - past tense.
I think tread as in present tense would be better and I don't think you need the word now.
'About the path I now trod' would read 'About the path I tread.'
i would be thinking along the lines of your life's journey for inspiration for your title, or about the relationship we have between this world and the next.
Cheers Jane
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judyanne
Tue, 2017-05-02 11:03
Hi Cristiano
Love this
Jayne's suggestion is correct
You could had
'answer questions about the path I now tread'
Or
'answer questions about the path I trod'
I like the reference to Frost....
As for a title... suggestion
My blueprint?
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Eumolpus
Tue, 2017-05-02 17:41
your poem
I cannot find the center of the poem. Keep at it. Death is no easy subject!
I would not use "miles to go before I sleep" as part of a poem, it is of course one of the most famous lines in modern poetry.
I think the idea of waking into death is a place to start. As a reader, I want to know why death makes one inferior...
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
themoonman
Tue, 2017-05-02 22:39
Hi,
I may have some ideas for
your poem but they are only
suggestions and based on my
understanding of the poem, which
may be absolutely different than yours.
First, I'd get rid of the line Eumolpus
mentioned, it is cliche. Although the
outcome fits the narrative, it can be
said differently avoiding the cliche and
adding to the already fairly unique quality
projected.
Last stanza suggestions;
Yes, I will die
An act that proves me mortal
An act that proves I am inferior
to the blueprint of my wonderful existence.
Title suggestion ... "Design"
I'm not a religious person but I like the
subtle strokes you've planted here.
Thank you for sharing and please do
remember, all suggestions are just our
opinions, you are the author.
Richard
Cristiano Williams
Wed, 2017-05-03 03:55
Thanks a whole lot.
Thanks a whole lot.
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