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My Quill

Submitted by Rula on Sat, 2012-07-14 02:43

Without you
I'm living in a hollow
nothing satisfies
my thoughts
are shallow.

After you
I'm unable
to draw a smile
or depict sorrow.

My words
contain no spirit
they scarcely
dance slow
without you-fellow.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Sat, 2012-07-14 05:49

judyanne's picture
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well presented, short, to the point, but with a depth of emotion covered in both text and subtext

one small suggestion (lol suggestion only)
'After you
I'm unable
to draw a smile
or even show sorrow'
- 'show sorrow' - as you are using a writing analogy, what do you think of
'paint sorrow' or 'sketch sorrow'?

also
'My words
have no spirit in' - not particularly good grammar
- you don't need the 'in', 'have no spirit' alone works better - or you could say 'contain no spirit'

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Sat, 2012-07-14 08:32

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Welcomed and I Love 99.9% of them..:)

I've changed to "depict" , fits?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

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judyanne

Sat, 2012-07-14 08:36

judyanne's picture
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:)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-07-15 03:29

Ian.T's picture
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A lovely piece young Lady, it is un-complicated and pure in its presentation..
I look forward to some of your deeper pieces that will question us, and make us race on,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Rula

Sun, 2012-07-15 09:34

Rula's picture
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It is not complication that I'm after, never had been:-)
I like to write whatever the heart
Wished others to hear

And here it is
when you go deep

Thanks dear Ian. Happy to hear from you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

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