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The My Poem Contest... [Screaming inside]

Submitted by Geezer on Tue, 2022-02-08 17:58

The scream was there and ready
He felt it in his chest
He couldn't take it anymore
Though he'd done his best

There was all this pressure
That he tried to block
He couldn't catch a breath
Lungs and heart were locked

His fist was clenched and ready
Then he saw a face
A look of horror, of sorry
He came away, from that place

Don't go back to a distant time
Don't be that one again
Let it be, just let it rest
From a monster to a man

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
the MY POEM contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Ray Whitaker

Thu, 2022-02-10 12:50

Ray Whitaker's picture

MY Poem contest is drawing you in! I've no changes to smuggles, other that adding one word to the last line: adding "Coming" to it.

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Geezer

Fri, 2022-02-11 08:24

Geezer's picture
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I thought about adding something to that last line, but felt that it would take away from the meter. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2022-02-20 15:12

Candlewitch's picture
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a harrowing experience capturing the readers head and heart. while reading this, I only noticed I was holding my breath when I came to the climax! I wouldn't change a word. I had a similar experience but from a woman's point of view. you knew that eddy styx had to come from somewhere ;)

thanks for this, Cat & eddy

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Geezer

Sun, 2022-02-20 15:53

Geezer's picture
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I figured that. This man never hit a woman, but he did hurt someone once, long ago, that person was shocked because he never expected it. The trauma of it hurt both of them. Glad you liked it. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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