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My life is a poem

My life is a poem
where day-words
fall on my head like
the first snow.
Unexpected, wanted,
fragile, cherished
they are here to melt away.

I put them on paper,
I throw a bright light on the page,
so every letter will be remembered.
But what is the point?

I paint every moment
in wonderful colours,
outlining every inch
with the tiniest brushes,
most intricate ink.
But who will be looking at it?

So what do I do?
While it lasts
and nobody yet
could tell
to my lost in the depth of times skull
Alas poor Yorick

I plan to Be in the moment
and catch snowflakes
on my tongue.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I feel has a lot going for it. I would stay focused on the whole concept of words and the snow: allow that image to permeate the poem to its conclusion. As do many of here make suggestions in a commentary rewrite, this is mine. It is of course the poet's option to consider some of them, or not at all, and hoping you find some of this helpful...

Day-words
fall on my head like
the first snow.
Unexpected, wanted,
fragile, cherished.

I put them on paper,
I throw a bright light on the page,
so every letter will be remembered.

I paint every moment
in wonderful colors,
outlining every inch
with the tiniest brushes,
most intricate ink,
Before they melt away.

And nobody yet
could tell
I am lost in the depth of time's skull;

I plan to Be in the moment
and catch snowflakes
on my tongue.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I noticed that you are always in a hurry and when you catch a portion of a thought you are satisfied.
I am glad you liked what you found.
Your suggestion strips my poem of its content and reflects your limited understanding of the text
I am greatfull for your efforts though.

IRiz

author comment

just keeping my standards high. I thoroughly understood the text and offered my take on how to use the imagery to create a less transparent offering. Rather than give leads into different directions which are not consistent or followed up- as to who will read your work, the point of it, or Yorick, etc., I offer my take on how to focus with a theme that keeps the poem engaged.

I have been reading poetry for many decades, and after a while you develop an aesthetic, which each poet/artist must do for themselves. It is that what I bring to the table, and always express myself in comments after considerable reflection. I believe all my comments on this site reflect that.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Rock on

IRiz

author comment

I get the feeling from this poem that perhaps you write more to figure things out for yourself ¬(about yourself) than to express it to anyone in particular? That’s what comes across to me anyway. If so, I do the same. I’m not sure why I even bother writing…I definitely don’t do it for the 3 or 4 people that read my stuff on here (although much appreciated). I just like to write for me. …its those “day words” that fall out of the sky. I got to write them down like you. But you’ve titled the poem “my life” is a poem, so I’m assuming the content of the poem is analogous to what your life is like. When I re-read the poem from that perspective, it seems like the poem could about people dropping in and out of your life casually, and about you trying to take what you have inside and expressing it as loudly as possible, but it doesn’t seem anyone is listening. So you just say what the heck: I’m doing this for me anyway…these are my moments.

Anyway, that’s what the poem says to me – and good art should be open to interpretation so the observer can find a little bit of their own personal meaning in it..right? I guess what I’m saying is I like this poem! It speaks to me even if my interpretation is not your intention.

From a critical point of view…well I don’t know what “ alas poor yorik’ means, but that okay, my fault. I’ll look it up. I also, think this concept could be expanded on. Your writing style and use of language is very poetic.

Cheers,
Captain

Dear captain,
Thank you for reading and sharing your interpretation of the poem. I agree, your interpretation represents a good part of it. I would take it further, not only people but everything comes and goes and I accept it. It sounds flat when I try to talk about it, that is why I wrote the poem to convey the fresh feelings about old thoughts.
I also agree with your words about creative process and it's role in our life. It is purely egoistic.
However, I do enjoy that among a several thousands of my followers on Google+, there are about a few hundred who reads my words and sometimes leaves comments. However, the ones like yours are a rare event, I celebrate today! Thank you. I am looking forward to reading your poems, something tells me I will not be dissapointed.
Alas poor yorick is Hamlet's line, his thoughts about life and death are referred to again when I answer the famous question by the word Be.
There is one more refference to the same scene in Hamlet, Hamlet mentions that a skull had a tongue and could talk at some point in life to protect his owner and make his points.
I did not mean to write a riddle. But I was learning the scene by heart to present it on a party and somehow it came out in my poetry. Thank you again for a wonderful comment.

IRiz

author comment

ahha! Shakespeare. I haven't read any in years, but now it makes sense and it works nicely with your poem. I don't think a few riddles in poetry are bad, as long as its possible for a reasonable knowledgeable person to see it.. Your use of Hamlet is perfect here, it just didn't ring to be right away. It is, however, frustrating to try to read something that is so obscure that only the author could possible know what it means. I loose interest then.

I enjoy commenting on a few poems here and there, but no one has time to give in depth critique on lots of them. I prefer to stick with a few writers, and really try to understand the poems and give a somewhat meaningful feedback. Its a tough because everyone likes to have people read and comment on their work but not many bother to reciprocate. I'm guilty as well.

What poetry site do you get so many followers on? id like to check it out!

The link on my profile page. It is a Google+ social platform. They also have a lot of poetic communities.

IRiz

author comment

I like the idea of snow flaws being thoughts and words. I have a few ideas you might give some thought:
stanza 1, line 2 I'd delete "day" as the words likely fall at night also
S.3, L.5 change "intricate" to delicate....I can'f figure out how ink can be intricate
last stanza, line 2. You might try-"and keep catching snowflakes"
just a few ideas........stan

Stan, thank you for reading my words.
By day-words I mean one day is equal to one word
Days are dropping on my head many of them, they are cherished and they will melt away, most of them anyway. But the same one can tell about words coming in ones head. Anyway, thank you for your time reading and commenting. Have a nice week ahead.

IRiz

author comment

you know
worser still

I read so many comments
interactive between and your followers
you know so much
a poet feels elated
when one is read
and
much more if one gets a comment

On another site now I get over 1000 reads daily
whereas this site
some say I hardly know poetry...

Yes at my fathoming age
I can't be a young learner as are ye

but you are no POEM
you are a REAL POET- TREE

well hope you will continue to share
the poetro-apples off your luscious tree

let all enjoy the fruits
but abs free
may happier you still BE

Thank you my friend for your comment,
Have you ever considered that giving people personal comments, I mean commenting on them but not on their write might be considered intrusive? Even if the comments are positive and mean well if they are directed towards me and not my poem are not really helping me to write better.

IRiz

author comment

but in good taste
send me to the gallows
or let a guillotine do
what it is meant to

that was my last signature ink
as loved

I can't be angry with you. You are too sweet.
Have a good evening, my friend.

IRiz

author comment

As age catches up
it's like adding
more sugar
to bitter coffee

Once I told some one
it's bitter
she retorted
coffee has to be

she wasn't
as sugar sweet

we aged ones
now must into the wilderness retreat
having enjoyed our treat
and
with such sweetness
like a fountain
coming out from you
how can one not be
HAPPY
Good DAY
IRENE

what an interesting poem, my friend
it gives a feeling of presence

IRiz

author comment

Like the essence of a yummy ice cream lingers longer once done, the after taste of your poem to me is, if i read it right:-

life is full of moments, catch them, savor them and treasure them while you can

a good read, made me think and absorb words between the lines

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I am glad you like it. Thank you.

IRiz

author comment

it is a poetic and metaphysical delight.
No crit.

It reminds me of the best birthday card I ever got-
"May the time spent here in this dimension be magic for you-
I tried to put something more literary together but you are a living poem and I couldn't write you."

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Hi dear weirdelf, what a nice postcard message! a real poem is in it.
i am back to writing my novel
this time i hope i will be able to finish it
much less distraction these days

cheers

IRiz

author comment

Too much mentoring.
Sorry, I will pull my head in and offer help only when asked.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

No, you have not.
If anything it is too little.
Please, be patient with me.
I will do the requested exercise when I could.
I am always looking forward to your comments and suggestions.
I am focused on writing a novel now.
It is about 60k words now and I am trying to remember everything. I can post one chapter here on Neopoet.

IRiz

author comment

REMOVED WRONGLY POSTED
Sorry Jess

Ha

IRiz

author comment

REMOVED WRONGLY POSTED
Sorry Jess

you posted as a reply to Irene's reply to me. Yes, we all know you are an attention craving eight year old girl but have some consideration, please.

Irene, phew,that's a relief, thank you. Like I said, I don't want to change you or your poetry, just add to your toolbox and help where I can. As to under-mentoring, I think it is important to track your changes which is why I started with your first poems here. At two a week since you joined along with my other protegees and admin duties (not to mention that witch that has been hexing me) it is no wonder I am taking a while to catch up but will continue to do so assiduously.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

REMOVED WRONGLY POSTED
Sorry Jess

Yes, (we) (DID YOU NOT MEAN YOU ONLY)
all know you are an attention craving ''''eight year old girl''''**** but have some consideration, please.

******** I take it as a compliment jess,
you alone compare me as such
I love it
makes me feel young
AN OLD DECREPIT
80 YEARS NEARING OLE MAN---- hoping to be a poet some day...
THANKS MY MASTER
AND THANKS for teaching me a lot.2010 onwards
I BOW/(as for your imagery)
do COURTESY
LIKE an 8 year old fairy...lol
w/o u I 'd be zeroooooooooooooooooooooooo'''''s

Irene please excuse me
spaciba

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