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Lost At Sea

Submitted by Flossyfigtree on Tue, 2017-03-07 14:54

She stands there waiting on the sand
Just staring out to sea
With silent murmurings on her lips
She hasn't noticed me
The salt tinged breeze sweeps back her hair
Her clothes mere tattered rags
The tide creeps closer, ever near
Her eyes look lost and sad
Clutched tightly to her pitiful chest
A tiny bundle squalls
Its weakened cry drowned out by waves
My baby for me calls

I'm lost at sea a few weeks since
A crew beneath the waves
But news has not yet reached the land
How none were found or saved
I'm down below in watery grave
My body lies, unknown
Yet still she stands there with our babe
And pleading me come home
I beg of her to turn and see me
Watching her each day
I know that this can never be
I'm lost and gone away

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Tue, 2017-03-07 17:09

Esker's picture

the immutable stanzas
of that threshold

know it well.

excellent versed write
I enjoy rhyme very much
and the tempest of emotion
I have seen the seas from
shore on occasions
as vast as our inner
ocean turbulent
and beset with calm..

thank U Flossyfigtree!

Mr Wolf!

weirdelf

Tue, 2017-03-07 19:26

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but this is brave, risk-taking poetry. It could so easily have fallen into maudlin sentimentality.

A fine write.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Gunnar Hedlund

Wed, 2017-03-08 03:45

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Additionally you have a good ear. Do you live by the sea, I wonder?

weirdelf

Fri, 2017-03-10 01:13

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I was a rabid surfer and skier for many years. Not a team player.
The grace and beauty of a curling wave, there are few things of such  wonder and danger.
Was a semi-pro-hot-dogger for a while too.
Have skiied avalanches.
Bipolar enhancement can lead to extreme risk-taking.
Unfortunately poverty and emphysema have put and end to all that.

Surfed 5 meter waves at age 12, that nearly ended it all very quickly.
https://www.neopoet.com/node/last-thoughts-while-drowning-brainstorming-....

Oops, you were talking to Flossyfigtree weren't you, Gunnar? How embarrassing.

Fascinating username, Flossyfigtree, how did you come up with it?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Rula

Thu, 2017-03-09 00:57

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this is absolutely compelling in many ways. The emotions flow through and I almost have a tear coming down.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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themoonman

Thu, 2017-03-09 05:20

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Thank you for sharing this
wonderful little poem, can't
really come up with anything
to improve your poem, it's great
from the title down.

Keith Logan

Fri, 2017-03-10 19:38

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Hello to an English rose from an arrogant Scot. I love poems of the sea/seaside and of loss. This ticks the boxes not with a touch but with a flourish. I particularly like your craftsmanship on line length, you have split much longer lines that hold a thought into two shorter lines that focus the beat.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Esker

Fri, 2017-03-10 13:29

Esker's picture

crossed a ferry from new brunswick
to nova scotia..sat sketching a life boat
to settle my nerves...old fear of water
though i love ships...sailing..
like flying...one ride in a helicopter
a bell model 1964....one ride in a
home built craft...that was it...
but any ride that embraces the sea
like this poetry and im in
armchair sailor me!

i sometimes spend time watching the
go pro surfers on modern boards
and like surf music..vintage and modern
takes...
but i was not that kind of a physical risk
taker....i was more bars...street interaction
sharks and wolves....still...i was there
writing is such...a kind of surfing and risk
taking
your poetry has evoked much response
of the mind...the memories of body
and the Neopoet society!

Thank U flossyfigtree

Mr Wolf!

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