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The Lighthouse Lament
My task is to protect and warn
An untold oath I've never sworn
Of danger I must silent shout
Illuminate a bright light out
I'm beaten, soaked and ravaged by
Relentless sea and glowering sky
Yet still I firmly stand my ground
And warn of peril all around
A thankless work, I get no praise
I'll stand alone for all my days
They're passing on the horizon line
Their distance kept, they'll stay just fine
In years to come, I may well be
A landmark named in history
For now I have a job to do
Keep those on sea from impending doom
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Comments
themoonman
Sun, 2017-02-19 07:45
Lighthouses,
Such a pull from those lonely old things
to me, although I wouldn't do well in one,
I need my family.
Your poem doesn't skip a beat when read
aloud, until the last line but I'm sure you
know that ... not sure I'd fix it either, it surely
fits.
Thank you for sharing and allowing us
the pleasure of reading.
Richard
Flossyfigtree
Sun, 2017-02-19 07:59
Comment on Lighthouse
Thank you Richard for your feedback. Very much appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read my poem.
author commentFlossyfigtree
Sun, 2017-02-19 10:11
Lighthouse Lament
Thank you for the feedback. Last line was a bit of a twist in the tale. You're expecting it to rhyme. It partly does and partly doesn't depending on how you look at it.
I was directed to this site yesterday by someone on another site. I have only been sharing my work for a couple of days and am still feeling my way.
And your story is?
Best wishes
author commentFlossyfigtree
Sun, 2017-02-19 10:39
Good luck!
I didn't mention the site? or do you just mean you were in a similar situation or can guess which one it is?
It's becoming apparent quite quickly that there are some acidic people out there and that's not what I'm about. I really don't understand the need for it :-(
Huge amounts of luck with the book. I very much look forward to a signed copy! ;-)
author commentbluenote
Sun, 2017-02-19 13:22
Lighthouse Lament
Enjoyed very much. The failure to rhyme on the last line doesn't detract from the overall message of the poem. The Trinity Lighthouse has been commemorated on a two pound coin so a great point to include in the poem for the potential recognition coming the lighthouses way.
PS I know I'm a fellow escapee from that site :-)
There are some days when the fairies make the best company copyright A Dunne
albert ross
Sun, 2017-02-19 15:33
A Good write
But would suggest you sharpen the last stanza.
Perhaps:
In years to come, I may well be
A landmark named in history
(But till then I've) a job to (lume)
(Keeping those at sea from doom)
lume = light of life (Latin)
just my suggestion for you to use as you see fit.
Thank you.
Keith Logan
Mon, 2017-03-13 01:42
Hello Flossy
and a very warm welcome. We are for the most part, a friendly group of people simply sharing and trying to help each other improve. I hope you find a home away from home here. By the way, if you ever want to put the rhythm of the last line in keeping with the rest that could easily be done by changing impending to certain (or similar), impending having one extra syllable.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines