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A Long Goodbye

Submitted by William Lynn on Sun, 2023-07-09 14:07

The tapestry of life we wove
Together thread by thread,
Now seems to tell a different tale
As I lay here in our bed.

The pictures on the walls
Show all the fun we knew,
All the happy times we shared
As our family thrived and grew.

I see you as when we were young
And I long to live those days,
Before the changing tides of time,
Caught us in its waves.

The music and the laughter
The joys of being with you,
Have left me blessed beyond compare,
Now loving memories will have to do.

The calling of my heart remains,
But now it echoes back at me,
You cannot hear my calling
Nor my wish to set you free.

Our life's been like an hour glass
The sand descending grain by grain,
And now the sand is almost spent
And you don't even know my name.

I long to see that constant smile
And that twinkle in your eye,
But all of that has slowly faded
As we live our long goodbye.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The poem was written hoping those that have known the difficulty of a family member or friend with dementia, Alzheimer's, or other lingering disease, or is going through it now, can relate and know we feel their unimaginable pain and hope for a future full of wonderful memories that will never perish.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week July 9th to July 15th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-07-09 20:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Long Goodbye" is a poignant exploration of the passage of time and the impact it has on relationships, particularly when one party is losing their memory. The use of imagery and metaphor is effective in conveying the emotional depth of the situation.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The transition between the first and second stanzas could be smoother. The first stanza ends with the narrator in bed, but the second stanza abruptly shifts to the pictures on the walls. A more seamless transition could be achieved by introducing the pictures in the first stanza or by starting the second stanza with a line that connects back to the bed.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For example, the line "All the happy times we shared" could be replaced with specific memories that show the happiness rather than telling it. This would make the poem more vivid and engaging for the reader.

The rhyme scheme is consistent throughout the poem, which gives it a rhythmic flow. However, some of the rhymes feel forced, which disrupts the flow. For example, the rhyme of "do" and "you" in the fourth stanza feels a bit awkward. Experimenting with different rhymes or considering a free verse format could enhance the poem's overall impact.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more powerful ending. The final line "As we live our long goodbye" is poignant, but it could be made more impactful by adding a twist or a final image that leaves the reader with a strong emotional impression.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

William Lynn

Sun, 2023-07-09 20:39

William Lynn's picture

Thanks for the AI review. While I usually agree with your critique, I believe that AI has no ability to understand the human suffering that takes place when loosing a loved one to the evils of dementia. As in the last stanza, AI has never had to live the long goodbye. Thanks AI see ya' soon.

author comment

Richard Milne

Tue, 2023-07-18 14:11

I find the AI critiques to be pedantic and stale, as if written by a drone, which is exactly what they are, devoid of a human touch. I really enjoyed your poem. The one observation I would offer is that several lines such as the one about sands of time slipping through an hourglass could be construed as old school and used too many times by too many others to have impact. But the reality is that it doesn't matter. If it feels right to you, then it is right. It's your work, it's heartfelt and it's well crafted. Blessings to you sir.

William Lynn

Sun, 2023-07-23 17:15

William Lynn's picture

Thank you Richard for your comments. I too share that the hour glass example has been used way to often and as I searched for a better example to express the terrible feeling of loosing my loved one to dementia, that was exactly how it felt so that is why I didn't change it.

All my best and thanks again. - Bill

author comment

Breakinglogic

Fri, 2023-07-14 05:43

Breakinglogic's picture

Sad and compelling. Bitter in theme and sweet in tone. I wasn't sure at first if an hourglass was really the right analogue for the metaphor you are after in stanza 6; however, after some reflection and reinterpretation, I'm warming up to it. Your last line is, really, very good. The AI has entirely missed the point.

☆ raffy

William Lynn

Sat, 2023-07-15 22:46

William Lynn's picture

Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read "A Long Goodbye". Be safe, be well. - Bill

author comment

William Lynn

Sat, 2023-07-15 22:48

William Lynn's picture

Thanks Max. I appreciate your comments and hope you continue to warm to the stanza in question. Be well, be safe, be kind. - Bill

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