Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Little Girl Lost (reworked)
Each day I wait for you
to pick me up from school.
As other kid's parents come for them,
but I am a small figure alone; a little lost fool...
Are you sick again,
drinking from that flask?
I have tried to help you
usually failing at my task.
Mommy, please, please come for me!
I am so very weary of my fears!
Have you forgotten me again?
Crying into my pillow, heavily stained by tears.
I love you mama. why do you not love me?
I try so hard to be good for you
keeping my room clean, toys neatly put away...
But still you yell, and hit me too!
Teacher was talking on the phone,
telling of my many bruises; asking someone for aid,
for a child: abused, neglected, and alone.
"They" come for me tomorrow; judgement has been weighed!
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-10-02 22:41
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Little Girl Lost" effectively communicates a poignant narrative of a child's struggle with neglect and abuse. The use of first-person perspective enhances the emotional impact, allowing readers to empathize with the child's experiences.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent meter and rhyme scheme to improve its rhythm and flow. For example, the first stanza follows an ABAB rhyme scheme, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in this aspect could lend more structure and musicality to the piece.
The poem also tends to tell rather than show emotions and situations. For instance, the line "I am so very weary of my fears!" could be rephrased to show the child's fear through imagery or metaphor, rather than directly stating it.
The poem's theme of child neglect and abuse is a serious one, and the poem does well to approach it with sincerity and raw emotion. However, the use of clichés such as "choking on my tears" could be replaced with more original expressions to avoid diluting the emotional intensity of the piece.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most lines start with "I", which can become monotonous. Varying sentence structure can make the poem more engaging and dynamic.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-10-04 08:50
thank you AI
you are right in all respects. I shall work on it.
* best, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRuby Lord
Wed, 2023-10-04 08:54
Your poem is truely touching
Your poem is truely touching and walks the reader through a childs sense of need when neglect is present. It wasn't an easy read, emotionally. I felt every word you said, every image you created and every hope you uttered. For me, the use of "I" in your sentences allows the reader to "feel" this poem, it got deep under my skin. Unlike the Bot, I think this was the perfect way to tell this story. It put me right there, I saw the emotion. Ruby :) xxx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-10-04 10:39
dear Ruby,
thank you for reading an commenting from the mind and heart. when I wrote this, I drew from some memories from my past. the only difference being that my mother was a pill-head, not a drunk. she was also a nurse.
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRuby Lord
Wed, 2023-10-04 11:02
Hi Cat, knowing part of your
Hi Cat, knowing part of your history made me vulnerable to your emotion. It was a poem delivered in honesty and with intense feeling and as I've said, I heard every whimper, felt every tear drop and wanted to hug that little girl. Take care xxx Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Candlewitch
Fri, 2023-10-06 14:43
dear Ruby,
back in my day, I belonged to a family of dark secret keepers. they called e a liar and then beat me for telling the truth. sexual abuse from a brother-in-law,who told me that nobody would believe me (he was so right about that!) pill-head mom, both physically and emotionally abused me. she also drugged me with thorazine to knock me out. she told my grand parents and cousins, aunts and uncles that I was a pathological liar. which took away any support I might have. I was let without a family...
*too late for the little girl I was, but I accept a big hug as a big girl, from a lovely person such as yourself :)
*love & hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRuby Lord
Sat, 2023-10-07 05:39
A parents addiction creates
A parents addiction creates ripples in their childrens lives, the chils senses and feels the alientation but it becomes impossible to understand the world beyond what is happening to them/us.
I get the feeling your mum, like my dad, was an addicted narcissist and they were the only thing that mattered. Everything was about them and if she called you a liar it was her projecting her failures onto you. My dad was evil to all his children. His temper was short and his fists were fast.
Your poetry offers support to others, I appreciate your thoughts and words. Ruby xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Clentin
Wed, 2023-10-04 13:50
Your emotional content
Your emotional content applies to far more kids than what we are aware of.
Great poem, fits the image
Candlewitch
Fri, 2023-10-06 14:46
dear Clentin,
it is a shame to say, but you are very right about that! I hope they get the understanding and help that the need.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentShelby Pryor
Wed, 2023-10-04 22:33
This is so sad yet so eye
This is so sad yet so eye-opening. Child abuse is a very real problem, and yet so many people turn a blind eye to it because "they don't want to think about it." Great work!
Candlewitch
Fri, 2023-10-06 14:50
dear Shelby,
you are right about that...it is inconvenient to them because if they owned up to it, they might have to do something about it! well spotted!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentClentin
Thu, 2023-10-05 13:25
Your poem shows the many
Your poem shows the many emotions shared by students, more than one realizes. I have seen, helped and sought assistance for many.
Thank you
Candlewitch
Fri, 2023-10-06 14:53
dear friend Clentin,
bless your compassionate heart!
*love & hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRoseBlack
Thu, 2023-10-05 14:17
Powerful
I felt every emotion...every tear..the despair...the anger and sadness as well as disappointment. You are truly a strong and amazing woman. Glad to see you writing again.
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Fri, 2023-10-06 15:00
dear Carrie,
thank you, it is always good to see your poetry and take on life through your eyes. thank you for reading my offerings. I hope I did not depress you. it is just what I felt when viewing the image.
*hugs & love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentLavender
Thu, 2023-10-05 15:54
Little Girl Lost
Hello, Cat,
A heartfelt, and distressing poem. So sorry that you've experienced this first hand. Thank you for being so forthcoming and brave.
L
Candlewitch
Fri, 2023-10-06 15:03
dear Lavender,
in coming forward; I hope to encourage others to do so too :)
*love & hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author comment