Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

HORRRAAAOOOW

Submitted by Nordic cloud on Fri, 2012-02-17 14:47

HORRRAAAOOOW

Slap slap
slap-slap-slap-slap
slap slap
thwacks window pane, a car horn
fixed

trap trap-trap
exhaust, a flock of starlings
dust dust dust
blue

fumes intoxicating
flap flap-flap flap
grind squeak, iron gate
graves

grey silent, contra horn
relentless
horrrraaaoow-
horrrraaaoow-

flowers drop petals
floshed flooshed
floshed flushed
soft

searing monotone
madness, frets
frenzied shouts
a slam.

Slap slap
slap-slap-slap-slap
slap slap slap-slap
sleep

Style / type: 
Free verse
Last few words: 
12th February 2012. Ann.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-02-18 01:33

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

I am going to be very cheeky and see if I can show you what I mean.

HORRRAAAOOOW

Slap slap
slap-slap-slap

thwacks window pane, a car horn
fixed

trap trap trap
exhaust, a flock of starlings
dust dust dust
blue nasty greay blue bruises

fumes intoxicating
flap flap flap
grind squeak, iron gate
graves

grey silent, contra horn
relentless
horrrraaaoow-
horrrraaaoow-

flowers drop petals
floshed flooshed
floshed flushed
soft

searing monotone
madness, frets
frenzied shouts
a slam.

Slap slap slap
slap-slap-slap-slap
to bruised demaned sleep.

I don't man to re-write it, but see how it flows better?
It's a bloody good poem, but "poetry is the ruthless elimination of the inessential.

I don't expect you to take my suggestions, but the repetition is overdone.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Nordic cloud

Sat, 2012-02-18 04:45

Nordic cloud's picture

You are right, but this poem MUST be sounded,
read aloud, it is a sound poem, not silent.

I wanted the REPETITION to annoy a bit
as such wind-blown repetition does,
hence the exaggeration of it.

After the blue...I wanted that clean blue-ness to float in the mind
before being polluted with the fumes..
intoxicating I perhaps agree with, although the sound of the X was also strong if emphasised!

Slap slap sleep ...seemed to me a sudden relief from the noise
and made, for me, a good finish.

I have changed some of it, I will do it now as I agree with you.
Thank you Jess.
Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.