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HOME PLACE (rhyme patterns workshop)

I came upon a house today,
though most of it had gone away,
and left behind its mossy bones
of listing piers and cracked hearth stones.

So I took a pause for pondering
in midst of random woodland wandering
to think of those who once lived there
where none go now but deer and hare.

My gaze took in a lonesome hollow
and found that it was drawn to follow
up the course of a clear spring
that issued from a small stone ring.

I saw then that their source of drink
came not from some deep well's brink,
once a day they had to bring
full buckets from this pristine spring.

There stood an oak still giving shade
to this home's space as when a glade
surrounded it instead of woods
and quail would raise their tiny broods.

Did once children's laughter ring
as they swayed on a long rope swing
that hung from this tree's lower limb ?
I wondered what became of them.

Perhaps their father trudged at night
from working fields toward cheery light
where loving wife prepared a meal
to help assuage his hungry feel.

But evening came, I had to go
or my own love would worry, so
I set my feet to homeward take me
my joints and spirit being achy.

I had, then, no more time to wonder
about deserted home place yonder.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


Hi, Stan,
I always feel as if I'm walking by your side on these journeys - so detailed and descriptive, so full of emotion. Tried to pick a favorite stanza, but they all have a gentle, thoughtful image. Your rhyme pattern seems great - what is the last two-lined stanza called?
Thank you!

All I ever heard it called is a rhyming couplet. This is among the first 5 or 6 poems I ever wrote so I'm pleased you enjoyed it. At the time I wrote it it just seemed right to have those last two lines hang there.

author comment

limb/them.......I suspect this is a dialect thing. In southern USA dialect (the only True English lol) the B is silent in limb. Now the achy and me. Both end with a long E sound ......perhaps dialect comes into play again. The place I thought it came closest to breaking rhyme was pondering and wandering lol

author comment

For me the biggest break is "wood" and "brood" but really I have no suggestions. Well, maybe just one - to remove random in stanza 2. I believe wandering is essentially random so there is redundancy and removing random improves the flow. I am not a stickler for the exact rhyme. This is a poem about the beauty of an imperfect life. Why should the poem be "perfect"? I echo the feeling of walking side by side. I am reminded of a painting of a woman in a cap where the cap was torn - a nod to the fact that everything in this life is imperfect. Too bad you had to go home, I would have liked to hear more.

I have spent a lifetime walking in the woods when I could. Now there is indeed a difference between wandering and random wandering. One can wander without it being random. For me this is when I see something on a map where I've never been. So I go there and wander through new woods but with a destination in mind. Random wandering is just pulling off the road and walking to see what is beyond the road's view. It might be a lake or river. it might be a stand of ancient trees or a 3 year old thicket of new planted pines. Heck it might even be a subdivision of new homes lol

author comment

Hello Scribbler,
A thoughtful and considered poem, rather reflective and gentle.

The rhyme scheme holds up pretty well (given the accent) and drives the narration. Although, 'take me' 'achy' and 'hungry feel' come across as forced.

It takes four verses to describe the spring and tree - for me. this can be done in one or two, for something more immediate and engaging.

The ending is nicely poignant and resigned, but the walk home surely gives further time to ponder?

The title seems a bit flat - 'dwelling' might evoke the human side...and work as a verb,

Just my thoughts.................PJ

The rhyme is "me' and the last syllable of achy. But the hungry feel IS stretching it a bit lol.Now as to minimalism. There are times when minimalism is the driving force behind a poem. I think this is not such a poem and taking a mere quatrain to describe what you mentioned is required. Title.... when this was written in the earliest stage of my writing I was using very short titles. "Dwelling" just describes a house. A "homeplace" describes what a dwelling becomes when it is inhabited. I appreciate the thought you put into your suggestions and believe it or not even this 10 year old poem is not immune to yet one mode edit lol

author comment

The woods broods thing has bothered me since I wrote this over 10 years ago. This shows why even my oldest stuff gets edits over time

author comment

As in Loose, Looser Loosest?I doubt you are at all loose lol

author comment

This IS a workshop site

author comment

I'm a kid walking besides you wondering
why over wandering you are not pondering
or you want to catch lame ducks like me
who is of Susan wondering
why has my hubby left this poem lingering
last two lines only, the tea is yet simmering
well then perhaps stan is still scribbling
last two lines may be kid lovedly is laughing...
Howz zat as Dean Martin questioned
Stan I'd dared
as in my eyes you stared
well hopefully
you will pardon me
As blindly
I see you watching me aching..
ah ten years is a long time suffering
my mind your poems has been consuming

Kinda hard to remember thought processes from 10 years ago but I actually Do recall why I ended with a 2 line stanza. I though by doing so it would emphasize the protagonist's sense of being in a rush to get back home...........I can remember This but half the time can't remember where my ink pen is lol

author comment
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