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Grey smoke
In the lonely hours.
When Dark Shadows surrounds me.
And Burning goosebumps emerge.
I see that image again.
On the broken mirror, beside my lamppost.
Her hair dripping wet.
Watching my portrait all day,
Like Crystalline reflections.
I skipped a breathe, and watched.
Being swiftly chased,
Down the dark alley into a pit of echoing voices.
I screamed, but there was no one there.
So I asked you?
Can I lay by your side.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2018-01-26 17:04
I'm thinking...
that this poem may be the result of a nightmare. Is there a reason for the words "Dark Shadows", Burning and Chrystalline to be capitalized? No e on the end of breath, the only time you might put an e on it is when you are using it as you would, to say; "I have to breathe or I'm letting it breathe." No s on the end of surround. Hope this helps. I Have no idea what happened to your title, maybe a mistake in copying? I don't really care for the title Grey Smoke, but it's your poem. I kind of like the theme, it feels like you built consistently toward the last line and made it a good ending. ~ Geezer
.P.S. The question mark should be at the end of the last line.
.
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trekker
Sat, 2018-02-10 16:51
Grey Smoke
I like my fellow country man. I would like to suggest one change and that would be to change "on the mirror" in the fifth line to "in the mirror". I think it would be much more effective. Good poem though.
trekker