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Ethereal
Under the little stars,
I abide still in your shelter
Shielding me from the night wind
Swindling my connection to you.
And under your sweet pitch
I savor every moment like eating peach,
Your body warmth against my temple
Gives me this ethereal feeling.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is my first time.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sir Bernard
Fri, 2017-12-22 08:57
nice one
nice one
benevolence
Obadiah Grey
Fri, 2017-12-22 11:14
Hiya, Eniola.
Hiya, Eniola.
My type of poem! with brevity, and theres even a liddle food in there as well.
Perhaps the first line is bit cliche and I wonder if you might omit it?
Cheers. Obi.
chevyvent
Fri, 2017-12-22 11:25
Memories taught in this piece excellent
Memory is what makes us human. Love can make us vulnerable. But when we start living that enigmatic process of minds; that we barely understand, something happens to our thought process. Something happens to the way we view life.
There are no concrete answers and it seems no matter what-that life can be surreal! Life can be subtly intriguing, magically entangled, purposefully mesmerizing, colorfully provoking, and purposefully filled with awe.
That insecurity we all eventually feel as we age, knowing that even if there may be nothing afterwards we made our presence amongst fellow humanity better.
The complexity of life and its enigmatic beauty never dies inside completely. Thankful for memories that keep my heart and mind beating in synchronicity. Life is too beautiful for it to not to begin again when we pass. And also-that I truly believe we are all something so great we cannot even begin to fathom it.
Mario Vitale
Eumolpus
Fri, 2017-12-22 13:02
nice poem
a few ideas. need to a change to "eating A peach".
And drop the last line. The poem tells us that, and the title.
Let the reader feel what you have said in the poem, through words and images, rather than telling us what we already know.. end with "Your body warm against my temple."
BTW, I am on your team concerning using capital letters and punctuation. This site is, i think ,evenly divided by those who choose this approach, and those who prefer not to.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
Captain
Fri, 2017-12-22 13:57
Hi!
That's the kind if connection that makes everything worthwhile. Well done. I'm curious about the line "swindling my connection to you"...your speaking about the shelter you feel being a swindler? that's really interesting. like a trick? you cant really trust it?
Chiori
Sat, 2017-12-23 06:18
nice one
welcome
always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing
swamp-witch
Sat, 2017-12-23 22:51
Eniola,
I see you've already gotten some good feedback! I also enjoyed the poem and appreciated the images. I hope you will consider Obadiah and Eumolpus' suggestions. I think they will make the poem all the better, but if you decide not to, that's totally okay. It is your poem.
Looking forward to more of your work. This is a good first submission!
Kelsey
Critique, don't comment.
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