Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Green

Sour apple acid burns
scorn pathways into tongues
blades tickling exposed skin
in unkept fields of carouseling imagination
leaves blow in the wind;
painting abstract masterpieces in the sky.
The bitterness of granny smith
sweetened now,
warmly baked into scrumptious pies.
You’re going,
going,
gone
when in traffic
I switch on.
Silence turns to songs of calm,
Like crickets rubbing a contagion
Abrasive and inviting,
A warm persona
Screams;
Clothing the leprechauns
that guard the gold of my rainbow;
they’re only there for me.
My movie magic making films;
so tragically romantic.
Boiling hot this habanero
melts the iceberg
saves titanic.
and all this
made possible
by one color;
enter me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hello, if you find me, I think that you are the only one that understands this poem.
Think of this: Would the average person reading this for the first time understand your theme by the words you wrote and what is being conveyed?

Boiling hot this habanero
melts the iceberg
saves titanic.
and all this
made possible
by one color;
enter me.

I had no idea the meaning behind that.
A hot pepper melts what iceberg? The titanic? what color? enter you?
Try just saying what you would if saying it to a friend.

I think that sometimes we try hard to be poetic but don't realize that we don't need to try because we are.
This has lines but no stanzas. It needs stanzas for clarity, so each idea is clear and attaches to the next.
Basically I found it fragmented if you could have one idea connect to another clearly then the interior logic would be great. You have the creativity or talent, find the skill my friend-in-writing . We all are trying to gain or be more skillful because that is where we can expand our horizons, so to speak, or take advantage of our talent about which you seem to have..
Later,

THE MARK
.
If you take the time to read a poem then take the time to let the author know you were there. Study it and form an opinion as well, even if it means going back to it more than once. That is basic critique, what Neopoet is all about.

of a swirl of experiences around the color green. When I think about poems like this, I think the goal is to experience something as opposed to making a point. For me, the language is getting in the way of my experience - "scorn pathways into tongues." Because I can't understand this, it can't impact me. For me the most powerful verse is:

"The bitterness of granny smith
sweetened now,
warmly baked into scrumptious pies."

I can taste it, feel it, kind of nostalgically experience it (although my grandmother never baked a pie). But then I get to "Like crickets rubbing a contagion" and my experience is again blocked by my confusion. I'm not saying fill your poem with cliches about mom and apple pie but maybe make the language more accessible.

I think these stream of consciousness images can work powerfully. There was a poet here, Esker, who worked wonders with them. The language was simple but the images were startling. You might enjoy looking through his work.

have made all the comments and given you the critique that I would have. Did you mean [Scored] instead of scorned? ~ Geezer.
.

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.