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Good Morning

Wiping the sleep from your eyes
in your beautiful way,
breathtaking, really

It helps me see the extraordinary
hidden between the sameness
of ordinary days

Original Version (by request)

Good Morning

Wiping the sleep from your eyes
with an inexplicable grace;
in your beautiful way, breathtaking, really

I see the extraordinary
hidden between the sameness
of ordinary days

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
An exercise in brevity. This was an interesting write, as it started out as a much longer poem. As I worked on it it kept getting shorter and shorter, and as it condensed it seemed to do a much better job with the message I was trying to convey - really just being amazed at the simple beauty we can find in seemingly innocuous motions of those we love (or just like, or maybe even just mildly esteem, LOL!).
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

LOL, love it T! Thanks for your comments too! I went back and forth on the title, but will probably re-visit it with something diff - like your suggestions. Be safe there in Tuscany.

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

I don't care for the second stanza as it tells me what I should be experiencing from reading the first stanza. It also shifts my focus from the event both ordinary and breathtaking to the author's thoughts about his own perceptions. I'd prefer to just feel the moment.

Fair enough. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Thanks again Arrow. I tweaked it a bit to address the issues you pointed out. May not have improved it for you, but I think it works better, at least for me. Appreciate your input.

Cheers

Michael Anthony

author comment

Hello, Michael!
Sweet, sweet, sweet! The extraordinary is definitely most appreciated within the ordinary - nice, tender, and from the heart. I wonder if "inexplicable" is the right word...the poem feels so open and welcoming to simplicity. To me, that word feels just a bit too complex. You've again captured another magical moment.
Thank you!
L

Thanks for taking the time L! Funny you should key in on the "inexplicable" word in this piece. I really went back and forth with this, and tried a number of different terms but could not come up with a more fitting word for what I was trying to convey.

The thinking was that such a simple/beautiful/lovely, almost mysterious moment, if you will, could not be explained adequately or put into words, even within a poem. Inexplicable kept wanting to be put there. Perhaps a weakness in my descriptive/writing abilities if there was a better term that was overlooked that may have worked better.

Always appreciate your thoughts!

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

For me, "your beautiful way" and "breathtaking" are so lovely and graceful, I wonder if "with an explicable grace" is necessary. I feel the gentle adoration of the gesture, the simplicity of the moment captured in the rest of the stanza. Very lovely.

Wiping the sleep from your eyes
in your beautiful way,
breathtaking, really.

Thank you!
L

So good, thank you L!

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Your poetry is extraordinary! I was taught to use as few adjectives as possible, especially when the action in the poetry speaks for itself, as yours always does!
Thank you,
L

Thank you L. Definitely a team effort - great input from several poets who visited. I love this place!

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

by using the word beautiful?
I cannot relate to it but you could give it relativity without using it. Could you?
LOL
Later,

THE MARK
Please comment anywhere anytime.

Thanks Mark!

Taking issue with the word Beautiful? Yer killing me here, LOL!

As I mentioned earlier, this was a much longer poem to begin with, but as I pared it down (severely), I liked it much better because of the simplicity. It worked better, IMO, saying less but allowing the reader to imagine whatever else they may have needed to see the moment I was trying to capture, if that makes sense.

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Not all would understand but what you find a quality or qualities of attraction I would want to be shown what those qualities are for you, do they feel or are they relative to me?

THE MARK
Please comment anywhere anytime.

Done, and thank you T. I like both versions, and have kept them in my personal poetry journal. The discussions about this piece were very worthwhile for me, and the input from others will be useful going forward.

I hear you about the original piece. A writer, unless there is just an outright flaw in a poem, sometimes has to remember to stay true to their style, despite the opinions of others. A challenging balance sometimes.

Stay safe!

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment
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