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In the gardens of love

My garden's blushing with colorful smiles
lively pink, yellow, red and fresher green
all mirror greatness that no one denies.

No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
as spring only shows more delightful scenes
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.

No need to wish now for a warm sunrise
no more winter winds shall blow a serene
to mirror greatness that no one denies.

This is when love persists, it never dies,
but holds life in every corner and seen
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.

Watch now how happily the bird up flies
looking for a new nestle with a queen
that mirrors greatness that no one denies

Every season has a gift to surprise,
to praise the God and beautifully preen
the gardens to blush with colorful smiles
and mirror greatness that no one denies.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
A villanelle
Editing stage: 

Comments

Didnt understand but would have appreciated the use of more colours. Liked it all the same

Thanks for the heads up..
I am happy you've liked this . I'll keep your suggestion-about more colors- for my coming writings

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

I think you rushed this one, did you?
it’s lovely in sentiment, but in parts it lacks a meter needed for the theme
the villanelle has no strict meter to my knowledge, but I think this write needs a smoother one.

I have only pointed out the lines that really jarred with me – if you decide to edit, once you work on those suggested you may just see a couple of other spots … dependent on how much you yourself like this to work on

personally – as with all your works, I love the emotion behind this, and would love to see you make it the best you can

My garden's blushing with colorful smiles - ‘smiles’ doesn’t rhyme with any of your other ‘a’ lines denies, skies, sunrise, dies, surprise…
can I suggest ‘My garden's blushing in colorful guise’

lively pink, yellow, red and fresher green - meter very rough – ‘lively pink, red and yellow, fresh green’ sounds smoother to my ear – what do you think?
all mirror greatness that no one denies.

No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
as spring only shows more delightful scenes - perhaps ‘as spring shows a much more delightful scene’ to avoid the ‘s’
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.

No need to wish now for a warm sunrise
no more winter winds shall blow a serene this line is very obtuse – ‘a serene’ it sounds like rhyme search again, is it, or am I missing something here?
to mirror greatness that no one denies.

This is when love persists, it never dies, - meter needs a tad work
but holds life in every corner and seen
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.

Watch now how happily the bird up flies – ‘up flies’ – we’ve discussed this before – I think (and it is only my opinion remember) that it doesn’t fit this write
my suggestion would be something like – ‘Watch now how happily the rising bird flies’ or ‘Watch now how graceful the happy bird flies’
looking for a new nestle with a queen – I think the meter of this line needs just a tad work
that mirrors greatness that no one denies – picky, I know, but the two ‘that’s sticks out like a sore thumb

Every season has a gift to surprise,
to praise the God and beautifully preen
the gardens to blush with colorful smiles – a ‘to’ on every line – a bit distracting.. but I actually like it – it moves the poem along to, to, to…
and mirror greatness that no one denies.

thank you so much for your participation in this workshop rula
I’ll be putting the last exercise on over the next couple of days and then the shop will be closing
I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have

love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I never rushed any of the ex. Perhaps this took the longest time. I almost have a writer's block these days and I have no interest to write if I am not involved in this work shop I won't write a word.

Back to the poem, you know I have most of the times wrote a strict meter and most of what I 've done was iamb. Now coming to the villanelle, it is of double ache. I had to find those repeated lines and at the same time to choose the rhymes, so it wasn't that easy.On the contrary it was v. challenging and that's why I guess no one dared to try a lot. :)

As for the rhythm again I thought it is only about counting 10 syllables so i don' really know the difference or how to smooth the rhythm as for example in

"lively pink, yellow, red and fresher green - meter very rough – ‘lively pink, red and yellow, fresh green’ sounds smoother to my ear – what do you think?"
so I would really appreciate if you tell what is the technique behind smoothing the rythm..

*I still think smiles rhymes with the other words. How do you transcribe it?
Of course I'll come back to work on this as soon as I got an explanation about smoothing the rythem
I also not sure I am getting the meaning of tad.Please forgive my ignorance.

* serene is a bad choice I miss it with siren but this one doesn't go with the rhyme so I have to do some changes soon :)

Dear Judy
Of course I have enjoyed this workshop and would share any other ones you'd lead in Sha'a Allah.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

this poem doesn't agree with you lol,
i think it is very unique - i really like it

'tad' just means 'tiny'
and i have given the suggestion for the rhyme for the A verse

and no - 'smiles' does not end-rhyme, and that is what you need - i've given a suggestion i think would work - lol even though i know you want to find you own usually :)

i'll come back later rula - it's late here and i have to work in the morning
i'd rather not lead you astray with a hurried comment

but meter... count out the iambs, not the syllables - parse the lines i mention and see what meters you are mixing, and then see how you might make them smoother... READ them ALOUD, line by line to see how their rhythms don't quite gel with the previous lines

i'll be back soon :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'm really sorry if I am giving you an extra burden. I know this is a work shop for fixed verse .
Unfortunately, reading aloud didn't work with me. I tried this many times before after many advised so.
but if I am not mistaken I think I should count (parse) the stressed syllables to see the smoothness of the rhythem

My garden's blushing with colorful smiles
lively pink, yellow red and fresher green ...... has the most stressed syllables that's why it is rough
all mirror greatness that no one denies.

No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies 
as spring only shows more delightful scenes  
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.   

No need to wish now for a warm sunrise 
no more winter winds shall blow a serene    
to mirror greatness that no one denies

This is when love persists, it never dies,
but holds life in every corner and seen  
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.

Watch now how happily the bird up flies
looking for a new nestle with a queen
that mirrors greatness that no one denies

Every season has a gift to surprise,
to praise the God and beautifully preen
the gardens to blush with colorful smiles
and mirror greatness that no one denies.

 

Is this the secret of the smooth rhythm? I wish I am not giving you a hard time. :)
 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

here is how I parse it

My gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles
 live-ly pink, yell-ow, red and fresh-er green
 all mirr-or great-ness that no one de-nies.

No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
 as spring on-ly shows more de-light-ful scenes
 in gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles.

No need to wish now for a warm sun-rise
 no more wint-er winds shall blow a ser-ene
 to mirr-or great-ness that no one de-nies.

This is when love per-sists, it nev-er dies
 but holds life in ev’-ry corn-er and seen
 in gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles.

Watch now how happ -ily-y the bird up flies
 look-ing for a new nest-le with a queen
 that mirr-ors great-ness that no one de-nies

Ev’-ry seas-on has a gift to sur-prise,
 to praise the God and beaut-y-f’ly preen
 gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles
and mirr-ors great-ness that no one de-nies.

but you should then check your feet not your syllables ... once you have parsed it you can see, with theory,  where your meter may be out

for example, I would break the meter of the first stanza as follows

My gard-|en's blush-|ing with col-|or-ful smiles – tetrameter two feet of iambic followed by two feet of anapaest

live-ly |pink, yell-|ow, red |and fresh-|er green – I can only make the meter here as pentameter – and very mixed

and the third verse returns to the tetrameter of the first  
all mirr-|or great-|ness that no |one de-nies.

so now I understand why I find the second line a tad off – do you?

hope this helps rula

and you are in no way giving me an extra burden – it is really great to know that I may be able to be of assistance to you… but remember I keep saying - it is all imo xx

love judy xxx

.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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