Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
In the gardens of love
My garden's blushing with colorful smiles
lively pink, yellow, red and fresher green
all mirror greatness that no one denies.
No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
as spring only shows more delightful scenes
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.
No need to wish now for a warm sunrise
no more winter winds shall blow a serene
to mirror greatness that no one denies.
This is when love persists, it never dies,
but holds life in every corner and seen
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.
Watch now how happily the bird up flies
looking for a new nestle with a queen
that mirrors greatness that no one denies
Every season has a gift to surprise,
to praise the God and beautifully preen
the gardens to blush with colorful smiles
and mirror greatness that no one denies.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
A villanelle
Editing stage:
Workshop:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Region & Country
Jordan
Favorite Poets
I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and, Poets are humanity when the world lose it.
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
Frenchf
Thu, 2013-01-31 14:07
beautifully peen?
Didnt understand but would have appreciated the use of more colours. Liked it all the same
Rula
Fri, 2013-02-01 06:27
Hello Ff
Thanks for the heads up..
I am happy you've liked this . I'll keep your suggestion-about more colors- for my coming writings
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2013-02-01 12:38
dearest rula
I think you rushed this one, did you?
it’s lovely in sentiment, but in parts it lacks a meter needed for the theme
the villanelle has no strict meter to my knowledge, but I think this write needs a smoother one.
I have only pointed out the lines that really jarred with me – if you decide to edit, once you work on those suggested you may just see a couple of other spots … dependent on how much you yourself like this to work on
personally – as with all your works, I love the emotion behind this, and would love to see you make it the best you can
My garden's blushing with colorful smiles - ‘smiles’ doesn’t rhyme with any of your other ‘a’ lines denies, skies, sunrise, dies, surprise…
can I suggest ‘My garden's blushing in colorful guise’
lively pink, yellow, red and fresher green - meter very rough – ‘lively pink, red and yellow, fresh green’ sounds smoother to my ear – what do you think?
all mirror greatness that no one denies.
No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
as spring only shows more delightful scenes - perhaps ‘as spring shows a much more delightful scene’ to avoid the ‘s’
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.
No need to wish now for a warm sunrise
no more winter winds shall blow a serene this line is very obtuse – ‘a serene’ it sounds like rhyme search again, is it, or am I missing something here?
to mirror greatness that no one denies.
This is when love persists, it never dies, - meter needs a tad work
but holds life in every corner and seen
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.
Watch now how happily the bird up flies – ‘up flies’ – we’ve discussed this before – I think (and it is only my opinion remember) that it doesn’t fit this write
my suggestion would be something like – ‘Watch now how happily the rising bird flies’ or ‘Watch now how graceful the happy bird flies’
looking for a new nestle with a queen – I think the meter of this line needs just a tad work
that mirrors greatness that no one denies – picky, I know, but the two ‘that’s sticks out like a sore thumb
Every season has a gift to surprise,
to praise the God and beautifully preen
the gardens to blush with colorful smiles – a ‘to’ on every line – a bit distracting.. but I actually like it – it moves the poem along to, to, to…
and mirror greatness that no one denies.
thank you so much for your participation in this workshop rula
I’ll be putting the last exercise on over the next couple of days and then the shop will be closing
I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have
love judy
xxx
.
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sat, 2013-02-02 09:13
Dearest Judy
I never rushed any of the ex. Perhaps this took the longest time. I almost have a writer's block these days and I have no interest to write if I am not involved in this work shop I won't write a word.
Back to the poem, you know I have most of the times wrote a strict meter and most of what I 've done was iamb. Now coming to the villanelle, it is of double ache. I had to find those repeated lines and at the same time to choose the rhymes, so it wasn't that easy.On the contrary it was v. challenging and that's why I guess no one dared to try a lot. :)
As for the rhythm again I thought it is only about counting 10 syllables so i don' really know the difference or how to smooth the rhythm as for example in
"lively pink, yellow, red and fresher green - meter very rough – ‘lively pink, red and yellow, fresh green’ sounds smoother to my ear – what do you think?"
so I would really appreciate if you tell what is the technique behind smoothing the rythm..
*I still think smiles rhymes with the other words. How do you transcribe it?
Of course I'll come back to work on this as soon as I got an explanation about smoothing the rythem
I also not sure I am getting the meaning of tad.Please forgive my ignorance.
* serene is a bad choice I miss it with siren but this one doesn't go with the rhyme so I have to do some changes soon :)
Dear Judy
Of course I have enjoyed this workshop and would share any other ones you'd lead in Sha'a Allah.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Sat, 2013-02-02 10:50
writer's block?
this poem doesn't agree with you lol,
i think it is very unique - i really like it
'tad' just means 'tiny'
and i have given the suggestion for the rhyme for the A verse
and no - 'smiles' does not end-rhyme, and that is what you need - i've given a suggestion i think would work - lol even though i know you want to find you own usually :)
i'll come back later rula - it's late here and i have to work in the morning
i'd rather not lead you astray with a hurried comment
but meter... count out the iambs, not the syllables - parse the lines i mention and see what meters you are mixing, and then see how you might make them smoother... READ them ALOUD, line by line to see how their rhythms don't quite gel with the previous lines
i'll be back soon :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Mon, 2013-02-04 08:57
Hello judy
I'm really sorry if I am giving you an extra burden. I know this is a work shop for fixed verse .
Unfortunately, reading aloud didn't work with me. I tried this many times before after many advised so.
but if I am not mistaken I think I should count (parse) the stressed syllables to see the smoothness of the rhythem
My garden's blushing with colorful smiles
lively pink, yellow red and fresher green ...... has the most stressed syllables that's why it is rough
all mirror greatness that no one denies.
No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
as spring only shows more delightful scenes
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.
No need to wish now for a warm sunrise
no more winter winds shall blow a serene
to mirror greatness that no one denies.
This is when love persists, it never dies,
but holds life in every corner and seen
in gardens' blushing with colorful smiles.
Watch now how happily the bird up flies
looking for a new nestle with a queen
that mirrors greatness that no one denies
Every season has a gift to surprise,
to praise the God and beautifully preen
the gardens to blush with colorful smiles
and mirror greatness that no one denies.
Is this the secret of the smooth rhythm? I wish I am not giving you a hard time. :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2013-02-05 05:08
dear rula
here is how I parse it
My gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles
live-ly pink, yell-ow, red and fresh-er green
all mirr-or great-ness that no one de-nies.
No more gray clouds to reign the blue skies
as spring on-ly shows more de-light-ful scenes
in gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles.
No need to wish now for a warm sun-rise
no more wint-er winds shall blow a ser-ene
to mirr-or great-ness that no one de-nies.
This is when love per-sists, it nev-er dies
but holds life in ev’-ry corn-er and seen
in gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles.
Watch now how happ -ily-y the bird up flies
look-ing for a new nest-le with a queen
that mirr-ors great-ness that no one de-nies
Ev’-ry seas-on has a gift to sur-prise,
to praise the God and beaut-y-f’ly preen
gard-en's blush-ing with col-or-ful smiles
and mirr-ors great-ness that no one de-nies.
but you should then check your feet not your syllables ... once you have parsed it you can see, with theory, where your meter may be out
for example, I would break the meter of the first stanza as follows
My gard-|en's blush-|ing with col-|or-ful smiles – tetrameter two feet of iambic followed by two feet of anapaest
live-ly |pink, yell-|ow, red |and fresh-|er green – I can only make the meter here as pentameter – and very mixed
and the third verse returns to the tetrameter of the first
all mirr-|or great-|ness that no |one de-nies.
so now I understand why I find the second line a tad off – do you?
hope this helps rula
and you are in no way giving me an extra burden – it is really great to know that I may be able to be of assistance to you… but remember I keep saying - it is all imo xx
love judy xxx
.
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)