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Frantic
I am loosing it
At the edge of sanity
Another step and damned
The aura of madness below
Menacingly stretching its murky lips
Fate; her claws wedged in my skin
Just like others I am a victim, blame her
Dragged spiteful through her coarse domain
Cursing while she chuckles. 'This is life.’ She says
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Thu, 2012-04-26 09:34
A bit ...
I found this a bit cloudy, vague
or may be it is just me ? Please ignore
I am sure it is only me :-)
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or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 10:44
Thanks
Thank you for reading it and expressing what you felt about it. Thats why I had it published here, needed honest opinion.
In this particular poem, I wanted to express a broken mind at the end of sanity.
But then this 'mind' puts all the blame on fate.
author commentRula
Thu, 2012-04-26 10:44
Well!
well this helps , such clues can always be
added in the "last word to add"
Thanks for the clarification
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or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 10:56
pleasure
The pleasure was mine.
author commentChina Blue
Thu, 2012-04-26 10:15
or12
not so much vague as I found it veryself centered with all the "I"'s and me's
there is a way you can avoid this type of repetition though
example:
I think I'm losing it
At the edge of sanity
another step, damned
seeing the aura of madness below
and so on
it still reads the same simply because the I is understood
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 10:41
Appreciation
Chrys,
thanks for taking the time to read.
Construction critique makes a student a better learner.
I had suspected someone would point out the repetitions.
Let me try making it better.
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-26 12:27
hello,
The title doesn't really cover the feeling of the poem, IMHO. How about something like; "Frantic" "Fevered Mind" or "Ledge". In this line:
"I curse while she chuckles. 'This is life.’ She says"
you could avoid so many "I" by saying instead:
(cursing while she chuckles.)
I liked the panicked feel of the poem. hope I have helped :)
always, Cat
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