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The Silent Observer
Radiant faces? Façades for emotional anxiety
Sparkling eyes? Masquardes for the gloomy
These masks!
Flashy smiles concealing their pitiful quivers
Hearty laughter obscuring shrieks for mercy
It’s all a mask
A model walking the runway? Skin accompanying bones
He coughes but the sound the reaches me is of rattling ribs
It’s all a mask
A person jogging? Just one trying shake off stench from a dungeon
A couple moving hand in hand? An iron grip making claim
It’s a mask
Laughter? Just another scene of those who learnt to embrace it.
Hugs? Ha! A pleasant sight if not for its likeness to a constricting serpent
It’s all a mask
Stunning outfits bandaging raw scars; self inflicted? Or just scars
All these breath taking scents veiling auras of reek souls on transit
I abhor these masks!!
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Tue, 2012-04-24 07:44
Your poem,
Your poem depicts very imaginitively what maybe going on while you observe. And you do it very well. A heartfelt welcome to Neopoet. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 04:00
Thanks Roscoe
Thanks for the welcome.
This site was suggested by a friend who read one of my poems. I could not resist the urge to check it out.
I have have read some good poems in here and I was not so sure how mine would be received. Thank you once again.
Andrew
author commentAnnaNJ
Tue, 2012-04-24 20:38
This is really good and
This is really good and really insightful. I enjoyed it a lot. You've obviously got a lot of talent and I'm excited to read your other work. The only thing that I think would improve it would be to take out the "no"s after the question. For instance: "Radiant faces? No,façades for emotional anxiety" could become "Radiant faces? Facades for emotional anxiety" or possibly "Radiant faces - facades for emotional anxiety" I think this would make it flow better. But great job overall!
or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 03:56
Thank you
I really apprecite everything you said. The critique is so helpful, I will make the necessary changes.
This being my first poem here it means a lot.
Let me upload another and let me know what you think.
Andrew
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-04-25 00:32
A poem that needs to be spoken
just edit it to take out the double spacing.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
or12
Thu, 2012-04-26 04:06
Salman thanks
Thanks alot. I will work on the spacing.
Nice qoute
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-05-02 11:51
That last line is a worry too
You have made that feeling abundantly clear in the rest of the poem.
Look at it this way, if you show the reader how abhorrent the masks are, they make their own decisions, but you have raised awareness as a poet. When you end with that line you turn it into a personal rant and to some extent take away your readers choice. Does this make sense to you?
Poets are random alarms to the world, we are not it's timekeepers
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
or12
Thu, 2012-05-03 01:55
Thanks
ThankS Elf.
Yes it makes sense now that you mentioned it.
Let me work on it.
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