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Footsteps
Footsteps approaching me.
I hear loud clanking -
keys or silver, or perhaps an armor?
Or maybe glints of the belated moon
awry on marble of the floor?
Tall windows let the early morning flow.
Silk curtains fly in horizontal lines,
transparent messengers to meet
an early mist
above the lake surrounding my room.
Footsteps
or maybe sound of the hooves,
my horse returning from the land of dead?
I hear limping of her wonded moves.
I want to touch her neck,
to brush her mane just one more time.
I lift my hand and I wake up
to see my husband brouhgt
fresh coffee - two dark blue, gigantic mugs
with horses running on the sides.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Iambic somethingmeter
Lol
I can't write precise tetra or pentameters they comeout too boring so I added a little bit of mess in foot count
What do you think?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Region & Country
Washington DC
Favorite Poets
Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost
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Comments
lovedly
Fri, 2018-04-27 08:22
deleted
sorry wrongly posted
raj
Thu, 2018-04-26 16:38
IRiz
In two stanzas you have created wonderful images, moods, sounds, colors with a lovely romantic signature ending connecting dream to reality.
.............................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Thu, 2018-04-26 19:05
Thank you for reading, dear
Thank you for reading, dear Raj.
It is a romantic poem you are completely to the point. Have a nice day, my friend.
IRiz
author commentfink555
Fri, 2018-04-27 01:50
This
is very obviously a phantasy poem, sort of like the "The mists of Avalon" become a poem. Very nice.
IRiz
Fri, 2018-04-27 08:50
Yes romantic, I hope you
Yes romantic, I hope you noticed the iambic meter with floating foot count.
I think it works well with my fantasies.
IRiz
author commentfink555
Sat, 2018-04-28 01:10
This
My comment repeated for some reason.
I know lots about meter and spondees and all that jazz. Be a charmer and check out
https://www.amazon.com/Lumière-John-Thomas-Allen/dp/194099652X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524892048&sr=8-1&keywords=Lumiere+John+Thomas+Allen
https://www.amazon.com/Nouveaus-Midnight-Sun-Transcriptions-Golgonooza/d...
All these books have a myriad of craftery.
Best,
John
IRiz
Sat, 2018-04-28 08:25
Why these books? Tell me more
Why these books? Tell me more about them, please.
IRiz
author commentfink555
Sun, 2018-04-29 01:16
Got some
of the best poets writing today and might open your mind to different ways of writing--not just a certain suffocating formalism. I don't make a cent off em.
IRiz
Sun, 2018-04-29 08:12
Thank you
Thank you
IRiz
author commentfink555
Sun, 2018-04-29 18:38
Leonid
Andreyev is the best Russian writer
weirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-27 07:38
You pissed me off by posting this to the meter workshop.
I asked for simple quatrains for you to get the feel of specific metric forms.
You must see that I do a lot of work to parse a poem metrically with all the stressed syllables in Bold and / between feet.
I'll parse this later when I feel less cranky.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Fri, 2018-04-27 08:45
But I already submitted what
But I already submitted what you asked, to the best of my abilities, and now I want to discuss with you, as a mentor of the workshop, the experiment with plain iambic meter but more irregular foot count. I thought that this approach gives a chance to learn more while we are waiting for others. It is still iambic.
I think that the meter helps the romantic dreamy content.
Cheers, my friend
IRiz
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-27 09:29
You are too advanced for this workshop.
I'm tempted to kick you out. But, ok, just please don't encourage those who haven't learned the basics to fuck with the forms before learning them.
This is about helping people learn the very basics.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Fri, 2018-04-27 10:22
Hugs!!! Still friends?
Hugs!!! Still friends?
Holding on to the offer with both hands,
I am staying and patiently waiting
for the new exercise to begin.
Don't throw me overboard, please.
I will sink like an overloaded
with ametric verses boat
with all of my unrealistic plans
and unfulfilled dreams.
IRiz
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-27 10:51
we are ok, really.
it's just that over the last eleven years the biggest obstacle I have encountered in helping people learn meter is that they just want to ignore the basics and delude themselves that they have the natural 'poetic musical ear'.
Most of them don't and I have made this workshop as simple as possible to try to help.
So as we work together let's do it on your other works.
Most poets don't have the faintest fucking idea what meter is, are too egotistic to admit it and treat these very simple exercises as 'buk larnin wot yu kan ony larn from life'.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
IRiz
Fri, 2018-04-27 11:00
I understand your frustration
I understand your frustration now.
Good luck.
That inner rhythm is really rare thing and I am not sure how to train it.
Reading poetry helps, I think.
IRiz
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2018-04-27 11:23
It's not training.
You only have to be able to count to three for metric feet and maximum eight for metric line length.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
fink555
Sat, 2018-04-28 00:07
Jess
is ON FIRE
IRiz
Sat, 2018-04-28 08:26
Smiling
Smiling
IRiz
author commentvalene
Sun, 2018-04-29 11:53
iRiz you are trying too hard
forget all the mechanics, just feel the words in your heartbeat.
you're going off the rails. sorry.
ephx
IRiz
Sun, 2018-04-29 15:49
Not sure what you mean by off
Not sure what you mean by off the rails and why are you sorry.
IRiz
author commentvalene
Sun, 2018-04-29 16:03
i'm sorry that i didn't see anything...
...in your words.
but, nonetheless, i've a boner.
caio eph x
IRiz
Sun, 2018-04-29 16:53
I think that you are trying
I think that you are trying to insult me.
But instead you made me puzzled.
I don't think that I can piss off anybody by my benign lines. It is okay that you don't like it. I am not sure I like everything I write myself.
This particular poem and its flow reflect my character very much. I like to dream. And I like Russian poet Gumelev, he wrote some romantic poems I read first time when I was a little girl. Since then I had the idea to write something like the poem Footsteps. Anyway I should not even talk to you, because you were rude to me. Or maybe it is just language barrier that sometimes still makes me wish people would be more telepathic. Goodbye for now.
IRiz
author commentraj
Sun, 2018-04-29 16:57
Thumbs up friend IRiz...take
Thumbs up friend IRiz...take such comments in your stride and move on...
....................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
IRiz
Sun, 2018-04-29 17:27
Lol. I am ambarassed for him.
Lol. I am ambarassed for him. But I hope it was a mistake.
IRiz
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