Welcome to neopoet, your wings have carried you to the right place.
"neopoet the land of the freed poets"

I read this heart wrenching poem, that made me feel all twisted inside.
I just didn't like it running all together with all the "and" that took away the impact of such a powerful piece
So I copied and pasted my view of it's beauty.
It ia only my opinion, in the end it is your poem. I am trying to help a new good poet to the site

Eddie
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was November the last time you touched me.
It was November and the leaves had done their changing.
Winter was calling, coaxing them to curl,
beckoning brown where Autumn had lit them.

In my head you are still at the foot of my bed.
One lightbulb humming golden on our skin.
This is how memory moves.

You are long and you are pale
but I remember you pink.
So you are pink. You are a poison.
Do you remember me laying on the floor that night?

I watched you from below.
All was light.
We laugh harder when we don’t call it love.
That, or it was the drugs.
Was it the pills
that kept the care from crushing me flat

when trembling you told me the truth?
It is what kept me from crying
when you like a lion
slunk in hungry eyeing, eager, empty and fierce
crashing down on me came down to feast on your prey.

You bit in before I could say:
You are a burden, and I am a beauty
it is my duty to carry you close. Old lover,
I love you, but can’t love you rightly,
so take me tightly, lift me and then thrust me far.

......

woohoo! a new poet! and she can flipping write! welcome to neo. damn good journal entry if ya ask me. :)
always,
mag

Good title. I like the way this piece flows. Your imagery and language usage doesn't disappoint the reader. I liked the flavor of these lines:

It is what kept me from crying
when you like a lion
slunk in hungry eyeing,
and eager and empty and fierce
crashingdownonme
came
down
to feast on your prey.

If you make changes please don't change this line: "crashingdownonme" it is so manic and I love it!

always,
Cat

"one lightbulb humming golden on our skin"

there are words phrases images that entice
and entrance me dearly
Not that I am not an appreciative man of wide angle
visions...but the small details enriched throw "light"
on imagery and scene that reverberate in that
minds voice I carry with me when reading and
composing my works.... Yes you can write!

Thank You!

talk about jumping into the pool, you have truly gotten some great comments on your poem.
what a pleasure it is to have writers come and join our family.

Eddie

I see you are already entering into the spirit of Neopoet.

Had to laugh "write poetry, sleep, and marvel at space", couldn't have put it better myself!

I see I got here late , it has all been said before me. But let me just say once again I find something very unusual about your writing but it i a nice unusual. I too like the line that Esker pointed out. Very vivid in it's imagery
Chrys

I can hardly add on
but brevity
is my cup of tea.

like China I'm obviously late to this party. I hope you're ready to work. No one here will ever be mean to you (except Weirdelf and he's more bark than bite, a real pussy cat to mix similes), but when we get to know you better and understand how well you can take the hard critiques without breaking you'll be getting a lot of "truth". Everyone here wants to grow as a poet and I trust that will mean you as well. It can get moderately brutal at times, but always with the poet's welfare at heart.
So, right on cue... I didn't much care for this piece. The subject matter is sound and your language use tells me you have few limitations to what you may accomplish with your poetry.
However, I didn't like the way it was laid out. The dynamic differences between line length is likely what bothers me. It doesn't "feel" like poetry to me (and yes, I can be more vague sometimes). In your defense, I don't like free verse. I am a traditionalist, though I have read a lot of free verse that blew me away.
Since I liked your other post so much, I suspect I will be reading much by you I will enjoy and I hope to offer suggestions for both.
Your talent is evident. I hope you enjoy Neo.
wesley

"crashingdownonme
came
down
to feast on your prey."...do you need the came and down -after -crashing down on me?

I agree with Wesley about the line arrangements.

I specially liked this entrance:-
"It was November the last time you touched me.
It was November and the leaves had done their changing."

This atmosphere and rhythm of those two lines does not continue,
this slightly disappointed me! They had something magical about them.
Not that I believe in magic normally.

Great potential here lowdownlady!!
I just copied my comment and wrote on the file:-
lowdonladyflungfromthenest!!! I don't want to fling you...:)

Ann of Norway.