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Flowers From Heaven

Out of the mere solace there springs forth a silence
cold hearts plunge in it's beautiful interludes
A beacon of light for a hurting world in need
sorted Lavender grace upon the Peyton Place

We filled slowly into the auditorium
faces fixed on what was being said
For I shed a tear to numb the pain
Not having you in my arms was driving me insane

faces, hands & feet
Shadows beckoning call asunder
A harp was being played
we could see his majestic throne

Alone taunt the fragile imagination in my frame
a soul vexed solution for the mentally insane
A message of grace seasoned with salt
Flowers from heaven can't be bought

A free gift to the undeserved
to flourish in the vast intoxication
May need a rest on a long awaited vacation
A red rose that was plucked a time before

Our tender hearts will soar through the opened door
a feeling of ambiance through the room
Destined to lavish this upon are hearts
awake to watch the white angelic dove fly high

A challenge to be free is a question of time

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like your poetry; I think it has potential.
There are, however, some things that I think you should work on, techniques and skills that, when mastered, will make your poetry 'pop'.

Probably the biggest failing of your poetry is that it is too verbose, with too many words cluttering up what you're trying to say.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

"Out of the mere solace there springs forth a silence
cold hearts plunge in it's beautiful interludes
A beacon of light for a hurting world in need
sorted Lavender grace upon the Peyton Place"

There are at least seven words that don't need to be in this stanza:

"Out of mere solace springs forth silence,
cold hearts plunged in beautiful interlude,
A beacon of light for a hurting world,
His needed Grace placed upon us all"

This is MY interpretation and editing, of course; I expect your edit will be very different!

You'll notice that I also took out the reference to 'Peyton Place" as well; I get it, but many - especially younger people - won't. Always remember that you are writing for an audience, writing to make other people understand what you want to say. Pop culture and media references have their place, but they need to be understood by all, otherwise they fail in their intent.
I would also encourage you to ask for raw truth; it lets us know that you are really serious about improving, and that's what Neopoet is all about. I know from personal experience just how difficult it is to open yourself up to the criticism of others. But, if you are attacked by someone for your religious or personal beliefs, or for personal experiences, there are mechanisms here at Neopoet that can be used to stop such things.
So, please edit this, Mario. I really do want to read it again, once it's polished up!

Thanks,

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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