Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Dancer (Rhyme Patterns Workshop)

She stepped on to the waiting floor,
paced herself: one, two, three, and four,
while both admiring and envious eyes
either wished her triumph, or dancer's demise.

Softly she spun, gently she swirled,
with each flawless fouette her passions unfurled
onto the dance floor, swept into the crowd
where sighs, no longer silent, inspired aloud.

The music crescsendoed in ardent delight
and embraced her graceful pirouettes' flight.
The air whispered accolades filled with romance,
the floor met her feet in a wild lovers' dance.

She surrendered herself to the soul of the motion,
felt the sacrifice and her deepest devotion
given to her art and the strength of her will.
The music drew quiet, her feet became still.


Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


A few things to think about :
line 4-try wished her either triumph or a dancer's demise
Stanza 4 line 2 Try Feeling the sacrifice of deepest devotion
Just some things you might consider. The pattern is perfect

This was a wonderful rhyming challenge. I will think over both of your suggestions.
Thank you!

author comment

................................................................ eyes
either wished her triumph, or a dancer's demise.

EYES and demise u may revise

feelings, emotions, passions unfurled
also swirled and unfurled
may resee

Thank you so much!

author comment

Excellent suggestions and I will use all of them!
Thank you!

author comment

and the rhyme looks correct. My only suggestion is for this line: "feelings, emotions, passions unfurled." For me this is too many non-visuals and also redundant as passions and emotions are feelings. I'd suggest something like "with each [etendre, releve, whichever dance move looks most like unfurling (I'm not a dancer)], her passions unfurled" just to add more sensory experience.

I very much like your suggestion and will rework that line.
Thank you!

author comment

Hello Lavender,
I was swept along with this one. With nice natural rhyming driving the narration.

My only nit-picks regard some of the sentiments.
wishing for a dancer's demise - seems out of sync with the rest of the poem.
the music forgot its own joy and delight - nice quirky idea, music forgetting itself. But joy and delight are abstractions (and there are a lot in this poem) that don't help the reader to hear it - some common musical terms might do.
Perhaps consider, the opposite to 'forgot' ?

She lost herself in the soul of the motion - I would go for the opposite of lost, to give the poem direction and closure?

The music drew quiet, her feet became still. - perhaps set in the present tense, for immediacy and resolution.

Just my thoughts................PJ

Much to think about! I will give your suggestions some thought.
Thank you very much!

author comment

I think - yes! I will change the "on to", and I also feel the "out" needs to actually come out! I stumble over it. As for "wild", I dug deep searching for a one syllable word to fit. Originally, I was looking for a more impassioned word for longing. But I like "wild" better than "longing" and I think you are correct - it pairs with the feeling of the crescendo. I appreciate the tremendous help I've had from you and others!
Thanks for your insight!

author comment
(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.