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Canyon Echoes
How did we get here from so very long ago?
Seems like only yesteryear with faces all aglow.
When I was but a girl and you my handsome beau.
We set out towards the future as if we did not know.
The enormity of changes that we would undergo.
We did not know at the beginning of this innocent romance.
One day we would find ourselves with just a backwards glance.
Here at such an ancient age in just this circumstance.
Yearning for our youth now spent, and for a second chance.
The recollection of our passion now seems a perfect dance.
Echoes of the past whisper in the canyons of my mind.
Reminding me of times and places I thought I’d left behind.
No matter how I will it to the clock will not rewind.
So we can go back to when our souls were so entwined.
When our love was so intense that it could never be defined.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I am new at this having only written a dozen or so poems.
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Kentucky
Favorite Poets
A few of my favorites., Dylan Thomas, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night, Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken, Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman, Emily Dickinson, There Is Another Sky, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways, Shel Silverstein, Where The Sidewalk Ends, Edgar Allen Poe, A Dream Within a Dream, Margaret Atwood, Night Poem
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Comments
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 10:35
Thanks for the welcome and
Thanks for the welcome and for taking the time to read. I was on NeoPoet before it crashed and had written a few poems...fortunately I had hard copies. I have revised and added punctuation as well as a few changes to Canyon Echoes. Thanks again!
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2012-03-04 16:50
Debbie<
Welcome to Neopoet!
I enjoyed the poem, and the fact that you used a western classic style.
The only thing for me is that the lines were a little wordie. I think that some can be left to the imagination, with the fine metaphors you used. Great piece of writing on your part. Hopefully I will get to read more of your work.
This is a great poetry site. We all feel like family. There is also a lot going on here we have "workshops" , news letter, forums, chat rooms about many educational things like styles of writing We have the AEC that help in monitoring the site which we ourselves elect.
Please feel free to navigate the site. if you have any questions feel free to ask, either I or one of the other members will be happy to help. Again welcome to Neopoet land of the freed poets.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 10:42
Eddie,
Eddie,
Thank you for the welcome and for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it very much. I was on NeoPoet before it crashed and had written and posted some poems. I am ashamed to say that I did not know what style of poem I had written...boy is my face red! I really am a novice. I revised a little and tried to take out some of the words. Once again, thanks!
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2012-03-04 17:25
Hello!
And welcome! It is so good to see you posting here! I thought your presentation fine and your rhyming smooth :) I very much like your poem and the theme. My favorite lines are:
Echoes of the past whisper in the canyons of my mind
Reminding me of times and places I thought I’d left behind
No matter how I will it to the clock will not rewind
So we can return once more to when our souls were so entwined
And our love was so intense that it could never be defined.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 10:48
Thanks Cat!
Thanks Cat!
I feel like I have gotten a lot of positive feedback. With no formal education in Literature to speak of I was feeling a little anxious to say the least!
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentChina Blue
Sun, 2012-03-04 17:41
Debra
May I make a small suggestion
first stanza line four omit that first as . You use it again in the same line but there it is needed
For being a new writer you did a great job on this poem
This is a subject common to us all I believe
Chrys
welcome to Neo Poet
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 10:52
Thank You!
Thanks for the welcome and I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. I did make the change that you suggested. Thanks again!
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentwesley snow
Sun, 2012-03-04 22:06
Holy Mary Mother of God!
I'm in love.
I'm wesley and I am a dyed in the wool traditionalist. You had me with the first line. I had no problem with the meter length. You bounced around hexameter and heptameter with a few lines even longer. Personally I find it courageous to attempt. The meter was not terribly consistent, but honestly I only noticed the problems when I went back to analyse.
Stan (known as Scribbler here) and I are always discussing the merits of perfect meter as opposed to "readability". My poetry tends to be precise to a fault which means I miss opportunities for some real emotional intensity.
This poem is READABLE.
But now, the rhyme scheme. Your profile mentions that you are new to writing.
Listen to me very carefully- DO NOT STOP.
I must assume you don't have much in the way of "classical" poetic training, so you might not know what an authentic (or proper) rhyme is. We will be having a workshop soon that concerns only rhyme and I would love to see you there. Suffice it to say that in your poem you used what we call a repetitive rhyme scheme and used authentic rhyme in all instances but one.
No mean feat.
I am impressed.
Welcome.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
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Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 11:08
I won't stop!
You assume correctly...I have no formal education in Literature or classical poetic training, so I don't understand most of your terminology. Let me make a stab at a guess about my authentic rhyme... beau? Is that the one that didn't quite fit? I am a true novice, but I love to try even though it comes slowly and laboriously to me. I would love to get into a workshop. Thanks for the welcome and for taking the time to read and teach!
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:11
No.
Time for a teaching moment. It's what I do. Sue me.
An authentic rhyme is two like sounding syllables PRECEDED by unlike consonant sounds or no consonant at all.
Mind/Behind is a proper rhyme. One preceded by "m", the other by "h".
Rewind/Entwined is not. Both rhyme sounds are preceded by "w". As I said though, you used a repetitive rhyme scheme and only allowed one. That is tough. Well done.
I'll be teaching a workshop on rhyme in several weeks. Really would like you to join us.
I can be a real pest about classical form, but I think I have a fair bit to share and an informed poet is a better poet.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:22
Wes,
please let me know, anytime after the 20th 0f March is good for me because that's when I'll be back from LA.
I do what to try more western ckassic's.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:23
Wes,
please let me know, anytime after the 20th 0f March is good for me because that's when I'll be back from LA.
I do what to try more western ckassic's.
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:28
Wesley,
You will undoubtedly have lots of teaching moments with me! Thanks...I guess we are never too old to learn. I will be watching for your rhyming workshop...hope it isn't in the shark pool :~)
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2012-03-05 12:44
Olympic
Jess won't let have the shark pool. I don't swim well enough. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 18:16
Shark pool
Well I would just as soon stay in the shallow end for right now :-)
Debbie
author commentNordic cloud
Mon, 2012-03-05 07:32
Wow and you got the ends to
Wow and you got the ends to rhyme in each verse magnificent, it romps along like a river meeting thoughts and memories as it goes, Welcome to our family I enjoyed this poem.
Ann of Norway.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 11:12
Thank you Ann!
And thanks for the welcome! I love what you say about it "romps along like a river meeting thoughts and memories as it goes." Thanks so much!
~Blessings, Debbie
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2012-03-05 17:18
Hello
It's good to have you return to neo. Even new people who aren't Really new are always welcome lol. I've yet to attempt a poem in which all 4 lines of a stanza rhyme so kudos to you. If you wish to shorten the lines, instead of omitting words you might consider splitting each line int two lines and having a poem in which every other line rhymes. But your poem is fine as is in my opinion...................stan
Debra Bryant
Mon, 2012-03-05 18:14
Good to be back!
Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read, I really appreciate it.
~Blessings, Debbie
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