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Boundless (January Contest)
(Content/trigger warning)
I lost my virginity
On a shore lined with dark caves
Near a polluted green sea
Drenched in crashing, boundless waves.
He wrested me to the ground,
Told me I’d feel mighty fine;
Undressed me without a sound,
Said he owned all that was mine.
I asked the sea what I should do,
The crabs that scuttled nearby
I asked the baking sunlight too
And heard discordant loud reply.
The waves called fiercely pounding
Dangerously on the beach.
Damp seashells softly sounding
Of places no man had reached.
The surf flowed forth and touched my hair
While white sunlight scorched my chest.
The seagulls cawed, their wicked stares
Condemned both him and barren breast.
He whimpered when the seagulls cried
Short pains throughout my hips and thighs;
And at that moment ‘twas when I died
Left drifting on the ocean’s guise.
The waves rose wild, the storm untamed,
My hand scratched hard at poisoned sand.
Victory! For feet had oft’ been claimed
By the same sharp shell held in my hand.
He thrashed as he bled to death,
The crooked slit across the neck
I held him down; watched his last breath
Left him for the gulls to peck.
The water washed the red away
My rolling restless boundless sea.
And in a cave that’s dark and gray
A secret shared 'twixt crabs and me.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Feel free to let me have all the CC you have! I like this one, though I know it is rough, and I'd welcome any help towards improving it. Because it's a bit more explicit than some of my other poems, this will likely be the only place I'll be posting it, but just let me know if you need me to take it down. Thanks!
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Asche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 12:43
Dear Teddy,
Thank you, Teddy, as always for your kind words! Thank you also for the tip; I will definitely think about how I can re-word it. :)
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https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
author commentAsche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 12:50
Dear Alan,
Thank you so much for the critiques!!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to dissect this for me, and I will be sure to edit the poem right away.
AHHHH I love the word "'twixt," and I've been wondering if I could use it in something!! And I know when I was writing I was struggling to come up with pseudonyms to polluted, so thank you for these alternatives.
I was actually torn at the title between "Confession" and "Boundless," so I'll just switch it back to Boundless. Thanks for pointing that out!
I really appreciate your feedback, and I'll be sure to edit the poem right away. :)
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https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
author commentVanRyan
Sun, 2021-01-10 09:02
Dear Asche;
all that needed to be said has been said in your very powerful poem. An impressive write. Van
Asche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 13:14
Dear Van,
Thank you so much for your kind response, Van! I appreciate it. :)
..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
author commentGeezer
Sun, 2021-01-10 10:19
It looks like...
Alan has gotten here before me and stolen all the comments and critique that I would have delivered! I am impressed!
I don't think that anyone will object to this staying as it is, on the stream. I feel like this could have been the opening scene in a
movie about a female-serial-killer. I can see where, you and Killer might eventually write something together. ~ Geez.
.
Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.
Asche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 13:00
Dear Geezer,
Thank you for the kind words, Geezer! I never thought I'd feel complimented to be told I'd work well with a serial killer, but there's a first time for everything! xD Thank you! :)
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https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
author commentRay Whitaker
Sun, 2021-01-10 11:56
Dramatic in a determined way
Those stolen moments were a grand larceny, and payback was indeed hell.
I was moved by the experience from a woman's perspective. Rape hits home for me, makes me cringe, having family that have been abused so. the males in a family that have a woman in amongst, that have been violently raped, are scarred by it too. not as much as the woman, I'm sure.
I found the payback ending powerful.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Asche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 13:03
Dear Ray,
Thank you for the kind response!
I will definitely agree with you. Rape is a tremendous problem that affects both men and women. I'm sorry to hear that your family has also experienced this. <3 It is awful, and it should not go unpunished, as it often does.
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https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2021-01-10 12:44
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE
I saw a couple in the Atlantic do
hope it was not you
your poem may not be true
but first prize
they may give to you
most will envy
you
Asche Keegan
Sun, 2021-01-10 13:05
Dear Lovedly,
Thank you for the kind words! And I don't know about that, there have already been a good deal of amazing entries, and we're only a third of the way through the month, but thank you anyway! xD
No, this poem was not based on my own experiences, but many friends of mine have experienced similar atrocities, and I hope that I can help give them a voice to speak with. <3
..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass
author commentlovedly
Mon, 2021-02-01 15:13
I just read our version
you deserve first position even if you were not the victim TITLE can be same Nobel is also one's fancy I am not stunned at rape having seen even men being raped
This world comprises of folks like wolves
Many men in females garb and women as studs
ah no need to disbelieve
man trust me
while seeking reprieve
All said and done
let me congratulate thee
winner you will/must be
O What an imagery
mddy
Thu, 2021-01-21 09:37
Dear Ashe,
Your atmosphere building is encapsulating!! Love your writing style so much!!
-{Madeline With Love ♥}
Rula
Mon, 2021-02-01 14:47
Hello Asche
I am quite stunned with the idea of this poem though I am never interested in explicit contents.
I see you've already got some good suggestions from the experts, so all I got is to wish you good luck.
Well done dear.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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