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Boundless (January Contest)

(Content/trigger warning)

I lost my virginity
On a shore lined with dark caves
Near a polluted green sea
Drenched in crashing, boundless waves.

He wrested me to the ground,
Told me I’d feel mighty fine;
Undressed me without a sound,
Said he owned all that was mine.

I asked the sea what I should do,
The crabs that scuttled nearby
I asked the baking sunlight too
And heard discordant loud reply.

The waves called fiercely pounding
Dangerously on the beach.
Damp seashells softly sounding
Of places no man had reached.

The surf flowed forth and touched my hair
While white sunlight scorched my chest.
The seagulls cawed, their wicked stares
Condemned both him and barren breast.

He whimpered when the seagulls cried
Short pains throughout my hips and thighs;
And at that moment ‘twas when I died
Left drifting on the ocean’s guise.

The waves rose wild, the storm untamed,
My hand scratched hard at poisoned sand.
Victory! For feet had oft’ been claimed
By the same sharp shell held in my hand.

He thrashed as he bled to death,
The crooked slit across the neck
I held him down; watched his last breath
Left him for the gulls to peck.

The water washed the red away
My rolling restless boundless sea.
And in a cave that’s dark and gray
A secret shared 'twixt crabs and me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Feel free to let me have all the CC you have! I like this one, though I know it is rough, and I'd welcome any help towards improving it. Because it's a bit more explicit than some of my other poems, this will likely be the only place I'll be posting it, but just let me know if you need me to take it down. Thanks!
Editing stage: 
Contest: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This is an amazing poem I'm a women, therefore I appreciate this very much, your imagery although haunting is truly beautiful. It's almost like watching a scene
You ask for help but I don't think you need much personally. I do though think maybe the end could be a bit more powerful
Example

My secrets held by crabs will be?

Something different from sea and see? Do you see? Anyway this is only what I think but Kudos on a very unique write.

Thank you...Teddy

Thank you, Teddy, as always for your kind words! Thank you also for the tip; I will definitely think about how I can re-word it. :)

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https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass

author comment

A great edit! I love that line now.

Thank you...Teddy

poem Asche. You clearly like it yourself. You say that it is rough but I think not ~ just needs a little work as do all poems when you are editing. Louise Gluck (Nobel Prize last year no less) wrote a poem called 'Confession' therefore I might have thought of another title ~ no problem though if you wish to keep it.

One must be carefull with rhyme it needs to work well, as Teddy has identified in your closing line.  I see that you have paired 'sand' with 'hand' twice throughout.  This sort of says that you can't think of anything better when I know, for sure, that you can.  eg.

Stanza 2.

He wrested me to the ground,
Told me I'd feel mighty fine;
Undressed me without a sound,

Said he owned all that was mine.

Stanza 6 ~ a little hit and miss I think Miss.  Maybe:-

He whispered when the seagulls cried
Short pains throughout my hips and thighs;
And at that moment 'twas when I died
Left drifting on the ocean's guise.   

(You already say that the sea is polluted and the waves are crashing and boundless ~ but just a guise if you are to drift lifeless in it)

Closing line:-
A secret shared 'twixt crab and me. (No 's' on crab)
'twixt very nicely compliments 'twas as used in stanza 6. Don't you think so poet?

I think your piece would benefit from the extra syllable here and there Asche.  Extra syllables are free of charge here on Neo so you may use as many as you like. 

Stanza 3, L4. Add one more syllable:-
And heard discordant sad reply.
(Could be dark reply is it's supposed to be baking sunlight but isn't really bright is it?)

Final stanza add 2 extra syllables, perhaps:-
My empty restless boundless sea.

A little word juggling in stanza 7, line 4 maybe?
By the same sharp shell held in my hand.
Also L2.  To aviod using 'polluted' twice throughout mayhaps trade for 'poisoned'.

Will take another look in a day or two when the tide ebbs.

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Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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Thank you so much for the critiques!!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to dissect this for me, and I will be sure to edit the poem right away.

AHHHH I love the word "'twixt," and I've been wondering if I could use it in something!! And I know when I was writing I was struggling to come up with pseudonyms to polluted, so thank you for these alternatives.

I was actually torn at the title between "Confession" and "Boundless," so I'll just switch it back to Boundless. Thanks for pointing that out!

I really appreciate your feedback, and I'll be sure to edit the poem right away. :)

..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass

author comment

*

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

*

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

a great example of how a single word can make a world of difference to a poem Asche. A writer holds the pen, or places words on a screen, with his/her fingers but should always make sure that those fingers are connected to the heart. I hope that you are smiling.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

all that needed to be said has been said in your very powerful poem. An impressive write. Van

Thank you so much for your kind response, Van! I appreciate it. :)

..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass

author comment

Alan has gotten here before me and stolen all the comments and critique that I would have delivered! I am impressed!
I don't think that anyone will object to this staying as it is, on the stream. I feel like this could have been the opening scene in a
movie about a female-serial-killer. I can see where, you and Killer might eventually write something together. ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Thank you for the kind words, Geezer! I never thought I'd feel complimented to be told I'd work well with a serial killer, but there's a first time for everything! xD Thank you! :)

..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass

author comment

Those stolen moments were a grand larceny, and payback was indeed hell.

I was moved by the experience from a woman's perspective. Rape hits home for me, makes me cringe, having family that have been abused so. the males in a family that have a woman in amongst, that have been violently raped, are scarred by it too. not as much as the woman, I'm sure.

I found the payback ending powerful.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Thank you for the kind response!

I will definitely agree with you. Rape is a tremendous problem that affects both men and women. I'm sorry to hear that your family has also experienced this. <3 It is awful, and it should not go unpunished, as it often does.

..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass

author comment

I saw a couple in the Atlantic do
hope it was not you
your poem may not be true
but first prize
they may give to you
most will envy
you

Thank you for the kind words! And I don't know about that, there have already been a good deal of amazing entries, and we're only a third of the way through the month, but thank you anyway! xD

No, this poem was not based on my own experiences, but many friends of mine have experienced similar atrocities, and I hope that I can help give them a voice to speak with. <3

..................................................
https://meanderingbackward.blogspot.com
"The true alchemists do not turn lead into gold; they turn the world into words." -William H. Gass

author comment

Your atmosphere building is encapsulating!! Love your writing style so much!!

-{Madeline With Love ♥}

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