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Beauty in the eyes of the beholder

Beauty being in that eye of the beholder;
The beauty of the face, the slender body
Of a teenager girl that won’t miss a step down the stairs,
That eye-gluing smile sparking outa of her
The passage between breasts of a young princess,
The lips of your wife that redden with passion
The unblinking eyes that house love, that spark in them,
Beauty being in the house of the beholder;
Would it be just the silver line in a cloud?
When anger rages out of the lips that redden with passion,
And those eyes bulging with fury, when you mistaken your word
Couldn’t it be a wolf in sheep’s skin wife, when the killing words profuse,
Or a dove of a husband with vulture’s claws, tearing you when angered,
Would really beauty ever lie in the eyes of the beholder,
Or merely a silver coating of the thunder clouds?

Review Request (Intensity): 
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How was my language use?
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Comments

Apart from a little of the English, I found this refreshingly new, and interesting Mashell, I looked to see where you are and that perhaps explains the language to me.
I liked the eye-gluing smile.

"outa of her" perhaps you meant to write out of and an a jumped in? A little odd to say out of her.

"The passage between breasts of a young princess," you choose unusual images for this theory.
"eyes that house" is also not quite right, even though we understand what you mean. Hold perhaps."
"that spark in them" sparkle would be good.
Instead of house-possession of the beholder.
If you use a cliché it at least has to be a correct one, ...a silver lining
This doesn't mean what you want it to, "when you mistaken your word" Said the wrong word or...

Not quite English this line-"Couldn’t it be a wolf in sheep’s skin wife, when the killing words profuse,"
It makes for a new kind of absurd poetry here and there, refreshing, but needs a little correcting anyway.
Wow what a dove! :)

Oh I don't like to appear harsh on you, and I see you have interesting thoughts, perhaps if you write it as prose and not try to make it into poetry to begin with, then turn it into poetry, might be a way to do it.

I am left with a vivid image after reading this.
Well that's me telling you honestly what I think,
I know its not so easy for you writing in English,
do you write in your native tongue. I admire your
effort.

Love Ann of Norway.


"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Hi,

I agree with Ann (Nordic Cloud)...If english isn't your native tongue, it would explain the interesting phrasing of some of your lines. I agree it's a refreshing twist but some grammatical tweeks are needed..'would really'...

I enjoyed reading 'the passage of breasts of a young princess'...great assonance and an image of the vitality of youth.

'Betty'

Hi,

I agree with Ann (Nordic Cloud)...If english isn't your native tongue, it would explain the interesting phrasing of some of your lines. I agree it's a refreshing twist but some grammatical tweeks are needed..'would really'...

I enjoyed reading 'the passage of breasts of a young princess'...great assonance and an image of the vitality of youth.

'Betty'

The ideas are good but the wording is rampantly rife with cliche.

This needs a complete re-write with your own words and expression.

Sorry to be harsh but poetry needs originality of expression to have any real value.

cheers,
Jess
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