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An Attempt To Be More Poetic

A bird is well-designed to fly:
why put it in a cage?
A dog is built to run for miles:
why keep it on a chain?

A fish would obviously prefer
to swim in open sea,
or a lake or swirling river:
a bowl looks wrong to me!

All moving creatures have evolved
to survive when they're free:
why hold them in captivity?

'God placed them here for clever man
to use as he thinks fit! '
a pompous judge once answered this.

Last few words: 
Although I am sincere about this question of giving animals more freedom, I'm not sure if I SOUND sincere when trying to give my ideas a clearly poetic form.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think the last two stanzas sound a little off with only three lines. I like the first two quite a bit (though S2, L1 reads awkward to me, maybe: "A fish would clearly much prefer"), sounds like Emily Dickinson - hymn meter, I think. An English major once told me you could sing all her poems to "The Yellow Rose of Texas." I'm not sure about a fish's ability to prefer or the accuracy of evolving to be free but that's beyond the scope of things I know.

about the last two stanzas.
The last line in the last S. is a bit confusing, (imo)
But I agree with you. I like the subtext of this. Anything against the divine's laws won't bring good neither to us, nor to the earth.

Ps. Do you need to think of a title that fits more?

Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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is something I find hard to avoid when I deliberately hunt for rhymes. I find myself forced into saying things in a certain way which I hadn't necessarily intended. In the last line of this poem I meant that there are people (with whom I totally disagree) who really believe that we have a right to do what we please with animals. As for the three-line stanzas at the end, I think I was vaguely thinking of a sonnet, though of course that was wrong because I'm using lines of eight or six syllables instead of ten, even though there are fourteen lines. Basically I'm not very good at keeping to a strict form of any kind. I prefer to try to express things in a conversational mode.
Best wishes,
Robert.

author comment

Slavery is in our veins
when your grand child arrives
let him free
don’t put him in....

Kindly read the rest on my wall
Guys don't like my reproduction
Thanks for the inspiration

have tuned in to my attempted sarcasm in the last three lines. I don't agree with the "learned judge" at all, but I have to make that clearer somehow. I'm a little restricted by the short lines. Perhaps I can just change "learned" to a word like "stupid" to make my standpoint clear. Or maybe "pompous". I take your point about humans being dependent when we're young and mostly when we're older too, so not free. This poem is really based on my feelings when I used to kill fish with a harpoon. There they were swimming happily around in their natural environment when suddenly this huge shaft went through them thanks to me. I gave up underwater fishing for that reason, or indeed any kind of fishing. But sticking them in a bowl would perhaps be worse than death. I have also felt particularly repelled when I have seen birds which have been caught in the wild trying frantically to escape from their cages all day long, or lions pacing up and down in a zoo or dogs kept on a short chain and never taken for a walk, which I'm afraid is a frequent problem in villages in Asturias, where I live, not to mention dancing bears in eastern europe. Anyway thanks for your comment.
Best wishes ,
Robert.
P.S. Mu daughter is in hospital having a baby right now..

author comment

do read my poetry
and you will see
we all are free

H U M A N B E I N G S

Neopoets
have full freedom
except post only
one

A person such as yourself, shouldn't have that much trouble in composing lines that say what you mean while keeping to a set pattern and rhythm! I would suggest that you add some more to this poem. You could then utilize some of the accented words to make a rhyming poem!

1) A lizard should be left alone
in desert-sun and sage
2) Look into his soulful eyes
see his lonely pain

I'm sure you can see the possibilities. Writing is sometimes hard work.
I don't always get what I'm after in the first writing and I often leave a poem half-written for weeks at a time in my notebook before I get the inspiration to finish it. A lot of times I write a little and then go back later to look with fresh eyes. I don't know the technical terms for a lot of what I write or how to tell someone in those terms what they might accomplish and I know that to step outside your comfort zone is pretty hard sometimes. I try it every now and then and sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't. I applaud you for making an attempt with what I think is a very sincere emotion. keep working on this, it will turn out great! ~ Gee

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I had thought about including some lines on animals in zoos (lions pacing up and down all day, bored gorillas etc.) but I didn't bother in the end. Perhaps I should give that a try and go rhyme-hunting again.
Best wishes,
Robert.

author comment

I love it. You sound sincere. Bless you, my friend.

Alid

the line
to survive when they're free:
would scan better without the contraction
to survive when they are free:
an extra line here would add bold condemnation.

That last stanza needs to say what is truly wrong about those lines in the bible-
'God placed them here for clever man
to use as he thinks fit! '
that pompous judge once answered this,
this indictment his own remit.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/an-attempt-to-be-more-poetic

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

It may take me some time but I'll try to incorporate your suggestions into this poem to some extent. The "survive" line would have seven syllables instead of the required six, but I could change "survive" to "live". I'll have to think about the possible extra line for that stanza. The only thing I'm not sure about in your version of the final stanza is the word "remit", which I find bit forced.
Best wishes and thanks,
Robert.

The survive

author comment
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