Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Apology

My mind,
So cluttered by sex hormones,
My mind
Steeped in furtively texting married men,
My mind
Seeing lovers with fingers at the ready,
My mind
unbuckling their constant longings,
My mind
With thoughts of ex husbands in public toilets,
Gay clubs, and parks
My mind
with nightmares of unreal fidelity
My mind
didn't say hello to God

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
It's sunday
Editing stage: 

Comments

It paints a sort of claustrophic atmospheric of dread to me. Specifically it reminds me of Gary Numan's "Down in the Park", which I'd always assumed was about cruising with lyrics like:

"Down in the Park where the machmen play
The machines are playing kill by numbers
Down in the park with a friend called five
We are not lovers we are not romantics
We are here to serve you
A different face but the words never change"

It's an effective piece you've written, but it seems filled with tension and unrequited longings and unsurity. I have no criticisms, for such few words, so much is said. Good work.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

I shall look up Gary numans poem (if I can).. Yes it was as you read it

author comment

/s I remember docs and Garys songs
Happy Birthday by another...
a flourishing time the eighties
the cold war
great movies made
and the culture of the underground
rising like a rain mist

now God seeping back in
like postwar Americana
new Steeples and wings on
trunk decks Atom bombs and
H bombs

and it all falling back now
like the paint on test site
dwellings in Nevada still
standing as a skies witness

Like this work very much

Thank You!

I love your poetic prose too x

author comment

The "Happy Birthday" song I remember was by Concrete Blonde. Gary's still making good new music, and I saw Johnnette Napolitano from Concrete Blonde in the summer of 2011. She's 50 and absolutely beautiful. She is an absolute genius as a lyricist also.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Is she on you tube?

author comment

It's the music that I was listening to in High School and college (ie I'm old). Yeah as for Concrete Blonde, check out the tracks Tomorrow Wendy, The Beast, Joey, Caroline, Bloodletting, Happy Birthday, and Mexican Moon. For Gary, hell, it's all good. I'd say Replicas or the Pleasure Principle were the best albums. The best tracks are My shadow in vain, Replicas, Down in the park, I die, you die, and Me, I disconnect from you. He's done some great recent work with Ade Fenton also.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Is she on you tube?

author comment

powerful write, expressive longing, perhaps there is another direction to look in. Appliances help.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thanks j!

author comment

Just looking for a chance to pull out the powertools........

: )

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.