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Alone vs lonely

Submitted by zuella on Thu, 2024-03-21 05:56

You make me cry
But that’s not unusual
I’ll survive
It’s fine.

You make me mad
That’s common too
I’ll survive
It’s fine.

You make me anxious
An everyday occurrence
I’ll survive
It’s fine.

You make me fearful
You make me jealous
You make me hate myself
I’ll survive
It’s fine.

I can deal with all that
At the end of the day
Cause all I want you to do
Is stay.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I don’t really like the first few stanzas (I’m not sure if that’s what they’re called or not), but I didn’t know how to change them to suit the last one, which I love. I want it to draw out this emotion in all of you that’s like you’re afraid to be lonely, not to be depressed or anxiety ridden, but to be lonely. I also meant the title as being alone is completly different to being lonely.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-03-21 12:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The repetition of "I'll survive, It's fine" throughout the poem creates a sense of resilience and acceptance in the face of difficult emotions. The progression from crying to wanting the subject to stay suggests a complex relationship dynamic. Consider exploring more vivid imagery or specific examples to enhance the emotional impact of the poem. Additionally, you may want to experiment with varying the structure or rhythm to add depth and complexity to the overall piece.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-03-21 08:19

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you are so right, the two are not the same. One can be alone and be perfectly happy and comfortable. Being Lonely, is insidious and can lead to death... it is debilitating. The last verse is rather disturbing.... This person sounds to be too high maintenance to have as he/she gives nothing back. find someone else is my advice. Your poem elicited a strong reaction from me.

*hugs, Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

zuella

Thu, 2024-03-21 09:23

zuella's picture

Hey!! Thank you so much, that very enlightening and encouraging and you also just introduced me to new words like insidious! Thank you for your wondrous advice! I will start trying to apply it to my next poem.

-zuella

author comment

zuella

Thu, 2024-03-21 09:24

zuella's picture

Ooooh okay, thank you so much for your comment and your example, that was really helpful. I’m really new to this and I need all the help I can get to be good, your advice was awesome, thank you, I really liked it!

-zuella

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Geezer

Thu, 2024-03-21 09:44

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considering it from all sides and reading it through a number of times,
I'm not sure why you would want to change your poem, or your title.
I think that your level of truth and connection to the story, is such,
that people will get it on a visceral level. I think the defining moment is with the final; "It's fine".
When I read that, it dawned on me, "This is exactly what she is talking about, left alone in a relationship...

Your language is good, the rhythm equally so. The theme is common, but very well put forth.
~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zuella

Thu, 2024-03-21 17:13

zuella's picture

HEY THANK YOU SOOO MUCH, that was so nice and so uplifting, thankyou for you sublime advice as always, Geezer.

-zuella

author comment
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