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Agony

Submitted by David Grigorian on Fri, 2024-03-29 23:50

Pain.
I must see you,
And feel your touch,
Taste you,
I need to smell you,

Pain.
Embrace me
Consume me,
I crave you,
In my flesh and bones,
I need to know you.

Pain,
Crush my mind,
Burn my heart,
Drown my soul,
Mold me,
Into you.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How does this theme appeal to you?

Last few words:

The emotional hurt, body aches, and discomfort are my motivation to get better. Get so much better and stronger so that it no longer bothers me. Pain means to level up, and when I do. It doesn't bother me as much.

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 03/24/24 to 03/30/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-03-30 05:51

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Agony" effectively communicates a profound sense of suffering and a complex relationship with pain. The repetition of the word "Pain" at the start of each stanza serves to emphasize the central theme and creates a rhythmic pattern that guides the reader through the poem.

The use of sensory language ("see you," "feel your touch," "taste you," "smell you") in the first stanza effectively conveys a visceral, tangible experience of pain. This could be further developed by incorporating more specific, concrete imagery to provide a clearer picture of the speaker's experience.

The second and third stanzas explore the speaker's relationship with pain, using language that suggests a desire for, or addiction to, suffering ("Embrace me," "Consume me," "I crave you"). This could be made more impactful by exploring the reasons behind this craving or by delving deeper into the speaker's emotional state.

The final stanza uses strong, violent verbs ("Crush," "Burn," "Drown," "Mold") to illustrate the destructive power of pain. However, the poem ends on a somewhat ambiguous note with the line "Mold me, Into you." It would be beneficial to clarify whether this is a plea for relief or a surrender to the pain.

Overall, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery and a clearer exploration of the speaker's emotional state. It would also be beneficial to clarify the poem's conclusion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

David Grigorian

Mon, 2024-04-01 01:49

imagery

Thank you

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2024-03-30 08:02

Dear David,

pain is a teacher. it is a fact that some of us know well. In this case I cannot choose favorite lines as they all are necessary for clarity! I understand pain...

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

David Grigorian

Mon, 2024-04-01 01:52

imagery

Hello Cat

Yes, and putting pain in words and poetry makes me understand it better and even cope with the despair. Putting words on paper is also putting emotions and thoughts out of your mind.

Thank you for reading

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2024-03-30 12:06

This is...

so vivid, I automatically reached out for my Aleve. Not yet... Yeah, pain is the leveler of us all. Some of us cannot endure the embrace of it, and some do easily. I say, "A little pain every day, is good for you, it lets you know that you are alive, but this agony B.S. has got to stop! " Nicely done. ~ Geezer.
.

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David Grigorian

Mon, 2024-04-01 01:56