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2714 Girard Ave. N. Ghost Tales #2
Babysitting my nephew,
Michael, peacefully asleep
in his room in his crib,
strange noises, monitor beeps.
I, suddenly alerted,
put down a favorite book,
I'm yards away from his door
Michael screams, I run to look!
Michael standing in his crib
frantic screaming, eyes so red.
Sweeping into his bedroom
To pluck Michael from his bed!
Tightly grasping my shoulders
sobbing stops, stares straight behind.
Turning to confront what’s there
red-eyed demon... Flash, I'm blind!
Shake it off... Get baby out
to the couch, nowhere to go!
Sit and soothe Michael for now,
a lullaby, singing low.
Place Michael on my stomach
rub his little back and arms.
Nerves all a jangle… Keep Calm!
free from this danger and harm!
Parents come, my duty done!
Rushing upstairs, I'm floating
monster there in front of me
hands on hips; laughing, gloating!
I live here... can't get away!
caught like a rat, so frightened.
fight off the hysteria
all my senses are heightened!
He can't hold his shape for long
begins to fade from my sight
it can't go on forever...
a very long frightful night!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is a true story
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Not Explicit Content
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Northwestern Wisconsin USA
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Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2024-01-14 13:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "2714 Girard Ave. N. Ghost Tales #1 (by request)" presents a vivid narrative of a babysitting experience turned eerie. It effectively uses a simple rhyme scheme and a steady rhythm to build tension and suspense, which is a key element in any ghost story.
However, there are instances where the poem could benefit from more consistent use of capitalization and punctuation. For example, the name 'Michael' is sometimes capitalized and sometimes not, which can be confusing for the reader. Consistency in this area would enhance the overall readability of the poem.
The poem could also benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most of the sentences start with 'I', which can become repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures could make the poem more engaging and dynamic.
The final line, "Parents come, my duty is done!!!" ends the poem abruptly. While this can be effective in some cases, here it might leave the reader wanting more resolution. Consider extending the poem or adding more details to the conclusion to provide a more satisfying ending.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more sensory details. While the narrative is clear, adding more descriptions of what the speaker sees, hears, feels, etc., could make the poem more immersive and heightening the eerie atmosphere.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-01-14 13:32
Thanks Mark,
I will keep working on it!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2024-01-14 15:33
The suspense
Who is the demon and what does it want with little Michael? Good thing he had you to protect him!
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-01-15 08:11
hello Carrie,
this bully was an evil man who lived in the house about 90 years in the past. he wanted to sully anyone he could! Thanks for reading, there will be more.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2024-01-15 13:54
I can only add...
my thoughts to those of mark and RoseBlack, in saying that you should follow the AI's comments. I would agree with them in saying that the sentence structure is a little repetitive with all those I's starting them. I'm sure that if you can adjust them, this would be a much smoother piece of work. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-01-16 07:50
Dear Geezer,
I always feel better about my work after you have commented on it. As your suggestions help me see my poem through the reader's eyes. I will keep working on it. Steve just told me that he has e-mailed some suggestions to me, too. Thank you!
*love & hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2024-01-16 10:57
More work...
I am very pleased at the changes that you have made. Just keep counting meter,
and thinking of ways that you could make a line shorter, [mostly what this needs].
Can you shorten the child's name to Mikey or Mike?
I suppose it might be possible to use all three versions, depending on the line.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-01-16 11:09
Hello Geezer,
I will work on it tomorrow morning early, when I am fresh. Thank you for your help!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2024-01-16 11:18
When I...
have logged a day or so with working on something, and I get another idea pushing from behind, I let it simmer for a while on the back burner. Let it go, maybe stick it in the freezer for a while and make chili later. Just saying... [Chili is the thing for this weather]. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Geezer
Tue, 2024-01-16 11:18
When I...
have logged a day or so with working on something, and I get another idea pushing from behind, I let it simmer for a while on the back burner. Let it go, maybe stick it in the freezer for a while and make chili later. Just saying... [Chili is the thing for this weather]. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
MermaidMaster
Mon, 2024-01-15 18:05
I agree with the other
I agree with the other commenters but I also really enjoyed this poem! A ghost story was an exciting change of pace from the more traditional poem topics and I loved the rhymes you used, it made your poem very musical. Thank you for sharing!!
<3
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-01-16 07:56
hello MermaidMaster!
Thank you for reading my ghost tale and having such a positive attitude! it is quite welcome. I am very glad that you liked it. I shall keep working on it, as it is not quite the way I want it, yet.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentUnca Fez
Mon, 2024-01-15 21:48
A Scary Tale
Though I've heard this one before, it is still a scary tale. It probably could use a bit more polishing. I will re-read it to see if I have any specific suggestions and let you know tomorrow.
Thanx,
Steve
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-01-16 08:12
As always...
you know I appreciate your suggestions and insights on my poetry.
* love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
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