Soon after I’d paid
My sixty
Or seventy pence,
I found myself
In what I thought
Was a miniature London.
I saw girls
In chandelier earrings,
In stiletto heels,
Wearing evening
Dresses,
Which contrasted with
The bizarre
Hair colours
They favoured:
Jet black
Or bleach blonde,
With flashes of
Red, purple
Or green.
Some wore large
Bow ties,
Others unceremoniously
Hanged
Their school ties
Round their
Necks.
Eye make-up

Another me,
There was another me
But not the better me,
But so carefree,
A better me,
That’s who I am today,
So secluded that I may be,
A better me,
I brought
Happy-go lucky-joy,
To many,
You might say I was a golden boy,
A better me,
That’s who I am today,
So secluded that I may be,
A better me,
I can’t be the me that
I used to be,
Simply,
I would not wish to be,
A better me,
That’s who I am today,
So secluded that I may be,
A better me.

Chapter 1
When they say that all of this is in your head.

They are correct. It lives there, a tenant I never invited, no rent is offered, only pain paid in full. The tears act as an unpaid water bill. The pipes fill, sometimes left alone for days, quite like myself.

They stay this way, not only by my will but the thing you say lives in my head, calls me weak if I allow them to spill.

I searched for you,
Where did you go?
Darling, I have suffered so,
So many regrets,
So many losses
And so many failures,
I can barely bear
The terrible thought
Of the squandering of the life
That once was mine,
But how to suffer
A life without you?

I was happy,
TV nightly,
As a family,
Simple pleasures,
‘Any Umbrellas?’
Family holidays,
I was happy,
Perhaps the world was happy,
Or happier at least.

When he made
his first personal appearance
in the dirty alley
on someone else’s rusty bike,
screaming along
in a cloud of dust,
it rendered us all
speechless and motionless.
But I was amazed
that despite his grey-faced surliness,
he was very affable with us...
the bully with a naive
and sentimental heart.
He was so happy
to hear that I liked his dad,
or that my mum liked him,
and he was welcome
to come to tea
with us at five twenty five...
Our adventures were spectacular:

My travels start
Right here
Deep in my mind,
My travels take me just where
I please, I don’t have
To leave my warm room,

My travels start,
Sixteen, sun
Beating down,
Sinatra’s crooning Jobim,
And I’m just dreaming of my
Great romance to come,

I don’t need a little ticket,
Tells me I can take the train,
I don't even to risk it,
There’s no blistering sun,
Or driving rain,
And it’s here that I remain.

Yesterday and today and again tomorrow
regrets build up from day to day
to the last moment of my waning life
and all my yesterdays have guided me
towards my longed for death, so up yours, brief candle.

Life's just a passing sideshow, poor interval
to fill in the time between TV shows and football -
so pass another beer - life's just a ragged tail
wagged by an idiot, it's fags and sex and booze -
and then there's sod all left.

The legs started going,
kept awake with water,
breathing,
arrogantly telling myself
I’d stay straight.
Drank gin and wine,
went out,
tried to buy more,
unshaven,
filthy white shorts,
lost, rolling on lawn,
somehow got home.
Monday, waiting for offie,
looked like death,
fear in eyes
of passers-by,
waiting for drink,
drink relieved me.
drank all day,
next day,
double brandy
just about settled me,
drank some more,
thought constantly
I’d collapse;

The night, It stretches,
Across the sky, a blanket,
An Abyss of endless darkness.

Pricks of light puncture the black,
Stars, they are called.
Small, but majestic.

I, we, us,
Insignificant beings,
Under this void.

Time, it passes,
It is never and now,
It is nowhere and everywhere

Even so, we stay,
On this ground,
We are calm.