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Suffer a Life Without You

I searched for you,
Where did you go?
Darling, I have suffered so,
So many regrets,
So many losses
And so many failures,
I can barely bear
The terrible thought
Of the squandering of the life
That once was mine,
But how to suffer
A life without you?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
‘Suffer a Life Without You’ was originally a song written in French in 2019, and dedicated to one loved not so much year as decades ago, but who has left not a single trace...by way of a digital footprint and so on...and I feared the worst, but chose not face my fears, but rather to turn my face away simply in order to survive.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Dear Carl, I'm so sorry about your loss. I just listened to the song, but I only found it in English (by Mariah Carey) with French subtitles. It's truly beautiful and sad, as is your poem.

I can barely bear
terrible thoughts,
squandering life
once my young life.
How to suffer such a life?

Just a suggestion above, to take or toss. I think we all make our poems too wordy at times. Not too sure about repeating life so many times, but it's your poem and I find the title, content and spacing wonderful.
I'll return, have some tasks to do now. You're a survivor, if this poem is about you, as it appears to be. Stay strong and keep writing, all the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

The song can be heard as a very rough recording in French as 'Une vie sans toi'; it is about someone who was once very dear to me, and still is. But you are so right, there are too many 'lifes', I've changed it a bit, but I'm still not sure about this, I think it might get shelved.

author comment

Well of course something written in French and sung, is very different to being written in English and sung, translations are difficult. It dipends what you want to do with this barely bear for me is a bit rough but if you are willing I could do a little edit just to show you from a different pair of eyes, let me know.

Thank you...Teddy

...of shelving it, but it might be able to be saved, you're right, 'barely bear' is not great, yes please, do a little edit of it, Teddy. Carl.

author comment

I searched for you,
Where did you go?
Darling, I have suffered so
Many regrets,------------took out (so)—it felt redundant
So many losses
with my many failures,--------- changed to (with) ( so) changed to (my)
I can hardly bare ----------- (barely) changed with (hardly)---
The terrible thought
Of this squandering of life ---took out (the)—I’ve put (This)
That once was mine,
How can I suffer ------ changed----- I took away (but) an (to)
This life without you? ---- changed (A) with this

For me it’s clearer, of course you may hate it but it’s what I see within.

i have the feeling not just in this poem but in most of your work, you lost a great great love, and it's something that you hold deep in your heart. so please know i have edited with mine. this is a worskshop and you don't have to take any of what people advise to you, i would never be offended, i just think it's worth that extra mile if we want to teach and learn. don't lose your work on the account of another persons thoughts and please dont bin any of it, its all worth something if you have bothered to writ it in the first place.

Thank you...Teddy

There are some very good suggestions, the most vital is 'barely bear', that has to go. You are right, yes, many of my verses reflect this loss. I rarely bin things, merely place them in a 'rejected' file. I'm just so pleased you take this piece seriously enough to work on it as I was going to give up on it, and I love the workshop element of Neo Poetry, it is unique on the internet. I value it all enormously. Carl.

author comment
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