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A working man

Your beard, rough, against my face
lover's sweat beading upon our bed,
lingering impressions, wheels in motion
calloused hands wrapped around my poem.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Don't you mean lovers' ?..............stan

Maybe.

But did you notice it's a poem for the meter workshop Stan?

~A

author comment

Yes, I saw it is a shop poem. Although I've not time to participate in this shop fully I hope you don't mind my having dropped in. By lovers' I meant both protagonist's and her lover's sweat not multiple lovers..........stan

(and I have very good reasons, please trust me) but let's have a go at parsing this.

Your beard, rough,/ against /my face
lover's /sweat beading/ upon /our bed,
linger/ing im/pressions,/ wheels in/ motion
calloused /hands wrapped/ around/ my poem.

Now this is really difficult because it is basicly freeverse. You've managed 2 iambs at the ends of lines 1 and 2, line 3 is all trochaic (arguably) and 3 iambs ending line 4. The rest are trochees or 3 syllable feet. (I've treated wrapped and poem as one syllable)

 

I'll be interested to see other people's take on parsing this, frankly I'm not sure.

Back on the main workshop page I'm going to explain why I asked for what I did.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
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i don't know anything about metering..however as a stand alone poem it stands out...

raj (sublime_ocean)

This meter thing, it's harder than I realized, at least for an old dog like me. Your submission (for me) doesn't quite fit the criteria, and I'm only referring to the scansion, not the subject matter.

first line; your BEARD , ROUGH, aGAINST my FACE

not quite an iambic pentameter but could be with one
word added before "rough", perhaps 'is", just a suggestion.

second line; LOVer's SWEAT BEADing uPON our BED
... that is how I am reading it, and this being more of a free
verse style can be read different ways, I think part of the
success of pentameter, is to direct most readers to stress
the intended points, but I'm only here learning too.

third and fourth lines;
LINGering imPRESSions, WHEELS in moTION

again, that's how I'm reading it, not necessarily in
any correct manner, just natural stress points for me.

CALloused HANDS WRAPPED aROUND my POEM

While I think the poem doesn't fit the iambic pentameter
asked for, it is truly good, sensual and invigoratingly filled
with imagery ... thank you Anna!

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