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The Way Of The Past

Submitted by William Saint George on Mon, 2011-07-18 07:38

That is the way of the past,
Like the pebble that falls
To the bottom of the well.

Swallowed up in the dark
Chasm of Time's gullet;

In the silent drifting
Into the unknown,
And then abruptly ending
With a satisfied splash.

The day is gone,
The clock has ticked away.
The moon has yawn'd.
The night has tured to day.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Mon, 2011-07-18 09:48

I really like this poem. My only suggestion would be to lose the 4th The. End your poem with

Night has turned to day.

Cheers,
Anna

William Saint George

Sun, 2011-07-24 17:43

William Saint George's picture

Thanks for your suggestion. I see the point.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-07-19 11:06

weirdelf's picture
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And while this is a satisfying poem, I think I yearn for a little more significance. It basically says the past is the past.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

William Saint George

Sun, 2011-07-24 17:45

William Saint George's picture

I agree with you. There's not much being said in the poem :(

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

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CCfire

Mon, 2011-07-25 06:46

CCfire's picture

I think what Jess said is relevant..there are some images there but it has no cohesive story to it, if feels like fragments placed together and there is nothing of the author within the poem itself, it doesn't lend itself to a situation you might feel or be going through to draw the reader to have empathy for you through the poem. I guess a good lesson is write what you know and what is happening to you or around you, that way the poem comes across as realism but done with poetic device and metaphor. Oh and in the last line you have 'tured' instead of 'turned' :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

William Saint George

Mon, 2011-07-25 08:57

William Saint George's picture

Thanks for the correction...and the advice.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

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weirdelf

Thu, 2011-10-06 10:26

weirdelf's picture
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and realised that you posted this while we were doing the "Deep Analysis of Poetry" workshop, so we were kind of looking hard at meaning. [grins]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

William Saint George

Thu, 2011-10-20 12:21

William Saint George's picture

Thanks. I really appreciate the harsh criticism. I think that's something special about this place. Thanks for the mood lift. Will be reading (and posting) more.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

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