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Nocturnica

Submitted by Rhiannon1010 on Sun, 2011-08-28 21:38

The moon rises in the twilight.
A pale orb in the dark.
Illuminating all in its phantom light.

Silken cream beams,
Mutilate the black velvet veil.
A terrible shriek of wind pierces the night,
A shrill and mournful sigh.

The moonlight leaches the trees of their color.
The wind strips the branches of their leaves.
Pale, skelletal cut-outs of wood contrast sharply with the onyx sky.
Like ink on parchment.

One by one the muted stars die.
Now only a white void remains.
The wind has stilled to a stagnant limbo.
Silence.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I feel that this is a very weak poem and would like your oppinions!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

lou

Mon, 2011-08-29 04:45

lou's picture

I really enjoyed the theme, and the poem itsellf, it has a moody and dark atmosphere, which I like. But I feel there are a few bits and pieces that need tweaking. Stanza one, you could say 'twighlight,' instead of ' early night, ' as it sounds better.Stanza 2 maybe don't repeat the word night, as you have used it in the previous Stanza.Could say ' a terrible shriek pierces the sky'. Stanza 3 last line you could say 'like ink on parchment.' Finally, I think you could cut out the last Stanza altogether, the rabbit feels like it is a little out of place. I hope that you did'nt mind me making a few suggestions.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Rhiannon1010

Mon, 2011-08-29 13:26

Rhiannon1010's picture

Lou! i don't mind at all, this is just what i wanted... i will see to the problems ASAP

author comment

Esker

Wed, 2017-05-24 23:11

Esker's picture

I have just finished a poem
the way you paint your scenes
with such texture I like
I dont feel mine is near good
enough to yours

and I did go looking for a moon
tonight so I kinda got this mind
that runs off when I free
it to find things that my aware
mind cannot

I love the skys...like many
I get moments of agoraphobia
but that gets forgotten with any
kind of beautiful wild or placid
scene...

I like your unique style

Thank You Rhiannon1010

Mr Wolf!

Sparrow

Thu, 2017-05-25 19:16

Sparrow's picture
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This is a lovely piece and has a strength in its wave of words bringing the pictures to us that you see.
Of course it needs a tidy up and Lou has said most of what is needed.
The silence at the end is absolute and makes the reader think of what should they be doing next and where did it all go.
Who switched the light out???
Yours as always, Ian..

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Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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