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The Modern Obsession with Technology

Submitted by Rhiannon1010 on Mon, 2011-08-22 14:00

(read top to bottom then bottom to top)

This is their world.
Quiet, peace, nature.
My life is a placid lake,
smooth as glass.
No metal blemishes or concrete pores.

Soon it will be different.

What is green?
Smog is a natural feature in our chemical makeup.
We should be worried if we weren’t in pain.
Covered in synthetic scars and acrylic burns.
This is our world.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rhiannon1010

Mon, 2011-08-22 14:40

Rhiannon1010's picture

i feel the same, but i belive that with enough effort, we can turn this world around

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-08-26 05:51

weirdelf's picture
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That read forward then backwards works sublimely well, I'm impressed.

Only the last line bothers me, it's a bit weak. Denies our capacity for change.

cheers,
Jess
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