Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

DIscard

here we lie
in summit hopes
and in deep shade
the valley want
sullen and reposed
while we flicker
in sunlight beams

I taste the cool
of the creek
from glacial
spent

this soul I inhabit
ringing like a chime
in paint ruined rooms
the windows cracked

are we rust on the hinges
we travelled so far
in this mirage understanding

can you feel the bend
in all this flexible
opposition
can you see the dust
and write you name
for when you return
to fulfill the desire
that drips
like rain
from the upper floors

I wait in the feilds
with the lightening
and rain

I kiss your memory
and want for more

smile for my
when you read this

for my heart beats
for none other then
you

..

Style / type: 
Free verse
Editing stage: 

Comments

wrote this so fast
firing like machine gun speed
a gatling gun of words

that is I
on the outskirts
skirting issues

but the want of companionship
of freindship is so great
but my mind my soul
is driven to fulfill so much
of the outer

where its cold
where its dark
the sun dont shine here
much

and when you come by
to say hello
I swoon

author comment

thoughts on how to smooth this out. Feel free to use or discard any or all my changes, I tried hard not to change the meaning of anything you wrote, but may have inadvertenly done so.

here we lie on summit hopes
yet in the deep shaded valley of want
sullen and reposed
flickering in beams of sunlight

If you are going to use the word "glacial" you should say [spend] instead of spent.
if you want to use glacier, then the use would be spent
in this mirage [of] understanding
you are missing the [r] at the end of you, in write [your] name
I wait in the [fields]
smile for [me]

As always, you have written of the emotion that hides in loneliness, so very well. Your friend ~ Gee

Comments and critique are vital to this site!
Even if you just say: I liked this story or your spelling
of a word is wrong, take the time to write a line or two
and comment. Your fellow poets will thank you!
.

in reality in my real life I forecast for the crowd
that will step in to an inner line
Most are set aside by the great abstractions
which are the outer curious

I agree that with work it would be a different poem
the typos and grammatical misrepresentations
throw the whole thing off in another direction
Im not that clear I know this

still I like the abstractions
for whatever strange reasons
but I greatly appreciate your help and
suggestions on this peice

thank you immensely both of you

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.