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kommision
love like omission
slip the border free
and machine gun lust
in the stride
the cobbestone stilleto
sound
in the reflection of the
towers of ray ban surrender
I cant see the sun
in your eyes
just your river cold hands
sliding across my face
you walk down the curve
at dusk
beyond the view
of this span
and jets tear holes
in the sky
where they lift
off
Editing stage:
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north ontario
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Comments
Orphani
Fri, 2011-03-04 14:54
Another great piece mr cool,
Another great piece mr cool, though your view is tending toward the myopic in content--though we of course must write what we are. Your imaginative view of internally blending your metaphors of emotion and place to create moody scenes that are the essence of your experience are masterful: (your forte). I think your weakness is in the over all structure and flow. The opening stanza is a bit awkward and chops a bit to the tongue. If you just pluralized omission (s) you could smooth it out. Plus the cute title falls flat without an explanation. Nice write-- your work is nearing a publishable quality with a polish.
B
loved
Fri, 2011-03-04 15:10
congratulations for the above assessment
.Congratulations for the Above Assessment
How I wish
Some one
Could some day
Something
Like this one
Say...
For some one
Like I am the one
Hopefully
But congratulations
loved
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 21:51
.
.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
loved
Fri, 2011-03-04 15:56
please kindly identify ur self thanks
r u answering as orphani?
loved
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 21:52
.
.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
loved
Fri, 2011-03-04 20:12
kindly then remove this in good taste
no apology's needed
only confusion created that's all
loved
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 16:42
this feels really edgy to me mate
do I detect a relation between the spelling of kommission and the german Kommissar, for a commissioned officer?
until
towers of ray ban surrender
ray ban sunglasses, LA?
love lost to cultural differences?
I seldom try to analyse your poetry, it presents itself as a complete, existential portrait in time.
But this one I can't resist.
Am I way off the mark?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Orphani
Fri, 2011-03-04 19:35
This is the pits gentlemen,
This is the pits gentlemen, this is Esker's poem, and Barry's comment. Please stay on topic and take your ummm... vitriol to a blog (Barry told me to write that!).
How about workshopping instead of griping?
EH?
~Anna not Barry.
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-03-04 19:46
fair cop!
Apologies, Esker
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry