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cedarline

Submitted by Esker on Fri, 2011-02-18 12:30

brush the rain
that draws
the light
in beads

the steam
on the glass

radiator growling
and the television
fills the emptiness
and chases
darkness into corners
and under beds

I wait forever
for tommorrow
and falter in ruins
I have cast

and I think of
the cedarline
cold rains
that fell

and where you
are in memory
and in my heart
where you dwell

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2011-02-18 15:12

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always just rolls off from your work. I think you might delete the [and] 1.6. and not lose the meaning, but rid yourself of the repeat word. ~ Gee

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Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-02-18 19:07

The ending is not up to the usual Steven poetry.... I have taken the liberty to edit...

and I think of
the cedarline
cold rains
that fell
your memory

in this I dwell

~A

scribbler

Fri, 2011-02-18 23:11

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you expressed the isolation of a lost love well here.I also have an alternate for the end:
and I think of
the cedar line

cold rains that fell

and where you are
within my memory
and heart
you dwell

'course I'm hardly an expert at free verse.......................scribbler

Esker

Sat, 2011-02-19 13:08

Esker's picture

You are all correct
lately when Im writing
with trying to be sparce
without using a dictionary or thesauras
(sp) Its limited
I think after all these years Im repeating
things but I keep going

I like all of the edits here
not one really can go wrong

wow this input is great
will have to come back here
and see what adjustments to make

again thank you all for your comments
on this..

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2011-02-19 13:34

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Worry not about repeating yourself. So much has been written by any one person that all words and phrases must be recycled. Must be recycled, recycled...............lmao.........scribbler

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