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I Have Chosen A Life

I have chosen a life
Far more than reasons to believe
What dissidence would call
A wandering bitterness
And emptiness.

I have said the words much
With mumblings and groans from the mouth
Of my salutation.
God have mercy on my soul
And lukewarm form.

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Comments

I really need to work with my title of choice.

This piece, like others I posted, had been written some time ago and I notice its only on Neopoet that I get the most helpful critique. Just like this one. Í posted this on various sites and it's the first time that my lousy title has been noticed.

I'm considering your "Last Salutation"and "Wandering Bitterness" suggestion, but first I'll wait and see if I can think of other titles.

About the extra lines, I'll ponder about it. I'm mainly in a rut of adding lines to complement this one due to the symmetrical syllable restriction I employ here. (1st line of the first stanza has the same syllable count with the second stanza, and so forth)

Thanks a million :)

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

when I first commented on your work. But you were also generous enough to say we could be friends. That starts from respect and the more I read of your work the more I respect.

I feel the feel of this, having felt it often enough. It is a poet's poem, and that's ok. It needs to be said.

Sorry, hypocrite me has no critique to offer.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

We do have a shaky start but I noticed you gain lots of respect from people, Although many loathe you, others do look at you as someone who's passionate with his craft. I really respect that.

Like you said this is a poetry workshop. I'm also here to learn and take all the tools I need to sharpen my axe.

Although we may most of the time exchange heated words, rest assured it's nothing personal.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment

I like the simplcity, and the way the brevity of this piece impacts your message of choosing to live in God's Grace instead of embracing bitter emptiness.
At least, that's what I got from this.

These two lines need some work:

"I have said the words much
With mumblings and groans from the mouth"

But I like this a lot.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I'll see what I can come up with and try improving these 2 lines.

____________________________________________________________________
Regards,
Dennis

"Death smiles on us all. All a man can do is smile back." ~ Maximus Decimus Meridius

author comment
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