Love/lust/sex/happiness...exstacy...rapture...boredom.....
but what traffic.....what vistas!! always loved bridges
still do......people are afriad of heights some.....
nothing would make them cross....
But Love does strange potion and magik
worlds away....

like being on one side of the tracks
one side of the fence
and the affection and fondness on the other
be they years miles or countries drawn by
a line and protected fierce with walls
or ravines......

thank you!

I didnt get to the mini putt this year...I didnt go to the movies this year....
I didnt go to the little coffee boutique i like in the old North Bay Mall..
I made it once to the pines and rock on the old 1920's yard extension
south by Marshall....I havent spent cash on new hip clothes or cool
shoes....I didnt even go swimming....
I stayed off the trails....mosquitoes ate me and the dawg alive...and
all I could think was in some places you get malaria...

protected by what....a leather jacket.....a face...a voice...talismans..
a one time intimacy and closeness to someone whom loves hates
you.....

Sad....yes....it is sad.....my spirituality takes a s***t sometimes...
the low moments...the great funk hauling all the junk....
not just mine......should just dump it all in the ravine....
throw all my crap away and strip it down to the bare essentials
again....except its fun to go over the three suitcases I have left..
and there are people here in this pokey little place that look up
too me as they always have.....its just that Im haunted...and dont
cope well at all from my issues.....

fighting depression...not self pity....im keeping busy..helping the
neighbors....hitting the "meetings" for my "issues" and am facing
counselling where this time I actually have to talk real issues..
im really looking forward to that....(sarcastic voice and face and
smouldering eyes....) everyone else around me is plowing through
without any of this work...but they are just coping and they are making
effort and headway too....I admit them that...and they are doing the
best of what they will and may ever be able too do..and its their
personal choice...

screw them...I have to deal with whats left of my life at fifty...after
squandering it all away...there isnt much left....no trade..nothing.
Im not very bright like a lot of these others...they are more advanced
then I....and yet my chums and ex's have been and are brillliant
people....a pharmacist..runs his own large new outlet...top chain
and before in the mall the guy that owned the store he used to
manage talks too me for an hour in the mall...that was the guy
whom mentioned mensa..but Im not mensa....but thats my chums
and my confidante woman is a woman who is a tech and passed
with honorary degrees.....a few others I talk too too....

I just feel old and bitter and washed up and failed at a lot of
things....

I feel like the characters from farenyheit four fifty one...and bladerunner
their wives were lost.....in their worlds...emotionally not available but
you could write a thesis on how the males were emotionally unavailable
too.....Plath had a crap relationship...Sexton too...cobain and morrison
and winehouse and others....but they were all difficult people also..
mental health issues...addictions...(not that I cant relate)...

I dont have affairs...no sustained relationships...politics prevents me
from this....some interchange with base people.....of all they have
a better grip on things then the high strung uppities....

u said it made rula feel said and i never thought of it like that before Ian
i just read the comment and thought....ahh..she thinks I am sad..
which I am.......I know angry people....they react...they put holes in
drywall that kind of thing....proabably makes them feel better..
i cant do those things anymore....older and people expect better
of me...and if I do it they will cart me off to the pysch or jail...

i used to read others blogs on other sites and think ..oh how quaint
the messed up chummies...thinking I knew a lot...but I know nothing
which puts me in there with them which is allright because a lot of
them are very good writers.....they got great minds and expeerience
and are helpful....

yours truly just never listened too them....
i only wanted things when i wanted things...
and when I got them...i wasnt happy

its complicated......
i hope to make it through winter like always...
see how these "talks" go.....I view them as
skeptical intelligence gathering to further
the physical written proof of a profile on
me....but for the stacks of what they got
already the least I can do is give them
something real now...

Like Loris cracker jack prize.....at one time
it was real....not token....
maybe real is now the new altruism

hmm..

I did not put the committment into the
relationship
because of the hurts from long ago
and pain.....
which i dont even feel
and some say I do

see how it goes.......
thank you both for your comments
and insight not only too the poetry
but to the writers!!!

I used too drink vermouth and listen to my radio...laying against the radiator with just enough
heat in that room..my toes on one wall...my pillow and head on the other....the tall old twenties
window looking at the old folks sky rise if I stood and stepped..all I had was in that room ..top
floor.....one of my personas....shaved head..goatee...a hundred pounds on me...track pants
and blue denim like an american con...and how the town was then...wild..and how I greeted
it on cheque days........broken...and an angel....how the little angels smiled and approached..
my chums still alive then...hardened from the fires of the road...yes they worked hard to get
well and stay that way....died sober..accident and timed out from the wildfires they sat by in
youth...."Need to finish it out"........maybe I havent made any terms yet....I dont know what
happened....Im supposed to go talk about it all...im very angry is all I know....
suffer...suppose so.....glimmers of helping and kindness when the madness dissapates
neighbours today......nice people....wealthy moms dads...nice worker...I cleaned their
bathroom...they smoke indoors...I remember cleaning peoples apartments....rooms...
tubs....kitchens...moving people...in the pysch this time last year i did the dudes laundry
that was picked up homeless...he had issues..normal enough to be on the floor..nice new
hospital...he had christmas socks....knitted with faces....at one point I sat with my glasses
on taking the patriarch station in the television room doing a crossword and I think all
but two were in the living room ..."the family" as we knew it..a woman sat in the "matriarch"
chair....felt normal and okay...
eight people listening to a tuned down low flat screen behind safety plastic...snacks would
come out next...the attendants would roll up the safety fence...some would work on the
puzzles...

I just feel puzzled....Ive been through a lot with a lot of people and heard their stories which
can be pretty traumatic in itself....and like them very very much....
its a funny kind of pain....and you are right...I bet a lot wouldnt know the landscape of
this...how too approach feel...listen...speak...say things to do the right thing...

neighbours...painting their place...smoke inside....but the flashbacks of doing this work
something I did when I was on the road...when I came down to pack it in for the day their
worker was there..someone I know from seeing come and go but never spoke too...
She was happy too compliment me on the work and the lady was so happy to show me
the new rug she had bought...some vibrant blue to match their almost greek blue walls..
happy colors...and it was my Lori whom had convinced me to paint our kitchen which I
was against...money..regulations...protocol...but when it was done I had to admit it is
beautiful....and our neighbour lady saw it and got into it and then Lori volunteered my
time....a deal was struck to the kitchen and I ended up adding the bathroom....and
cleaning the toilet floor and when done the tub....its just beyond some people..their
desire...thought process...happiest and kindest people...I remember this from when
i worked all the jobs and hitched about the rides and pay it forward moments...
I have had my unkind moments...but their happy faces and the workers story about
cats and dogs and how happy she is too see the change in these peoples lives..
if this is an impact Joe then I hear you....

I hit the mall for a few items....I try to dress fancy....hipster...fifteen times I almost
got smeared by cars trucks during various forms of function...I at least want too
look like someone...

under my terms....reminds me of real estate with my ex broker girlfriend..
or the hustle with all the ex's......

maybe a broken angel will make me not feel so bad for being so horrible and heartless
putting others on pedestals when I myself suffer my own shortcomings

Finish It Out.....I like that.....
thank you Joe....not very often I get to sit and listen to words
with this value and worth
like this....

this has meant a lot too me...
Mr esker!

a scuffle in the illumination of war!
there!

most times I act....ask anyone......set into response a response...those that respond with either be mute or a helper......the more react the more choice...