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I'm sad
The dawn comes, another one goes
yet darkness grows.
No sun to rise
into my eyes.
Your absence dims the lofty sky;
its blue turns shy,
then muses fade
into the shade.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2013-12-22 11:31
Hi Rula
There are many types of plow including one specifically named a turning plow. But in my exprience "plow" doesn't bring turning immediately to mind. Also in line 2 either darkness grows or darknesses grow. Hmmm....maybe wilts would work instead of plows. But that's up to you to find the perfect word lol. The rest of your poem does well in conveying wistful longing...............stan
Rula
Sun, 2013-12-22 11:52
hello Stan
and many thanks for your invaluable notes.I'm grateful.
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William Saint George
Sun, 2013-12-22 15:42
Hi Rula
It's interesting. I feel exactly as you describe in this poem. The absence of a very close friend has inspired most of my recent poetry.
I hope you feel better soon..
"The world is always changing
that is what the hopeful say;
for both of us must surely know
the wind of life blows to and fro
so nothing stays the same."
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
Rula
Mon, 2013-12-23 03:34
Thanks William
for your wishes. I am happy you could relate as well.
Thanks for coming and commenting. Highly appreciated.
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Lonnie
Sun, 2013-12-22 20:11
Nice write, Rula!
Interesting message, refreshing word usage, and the poems own terseness all combine to make this a very tight little piece of poetry!
Rula
Mon, 2013-12-23 03:36
Hello Lonnie
Always great to hear from you and really happy you find in this something worthy to read. Thanks for visiting.
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weirdelf
Mon, 2013-12-23 05:36
Isn't it amazing how a simple little line
can be so very effective
"its blue turns shy,"
is a tiny poetic masterpiece.
Love the poem, it also strikes me in a deep place.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Mon, 2013-12-23 08:49
thank you jess
Always appreciate your encouraging words.
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Ian.T
Mon, 2013-12-23 07:50
Rula
Very good piece but could become unhappy with the sadness, but I have made another sunrise, one that is in my heart that can only shine in glorious splendour for us all.
Even though we fade and die, if we have sun in our hearts,
all things will still be bright,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Mon, 2013-12-23 08:54
Thank you Ian
Seems that sadness has become part of our life....unfortunately. we need to learn to cope up with all these circumistances.
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Esker
Mon, 2013-12-23 12:27
magnificent line...
"its blue turns shy"
like a conversation pained
the lost words metaphors
in a struggle of expression
reaching or not....
found cared for or lost
that line above makes this poem
stunning
like a word spell to awaken
those reading
those intended
and the writer
powerful and very vivid
thank you Rula!
(this is a soft line intense that I needed in my own journey today...the blue is powerful..
immense and overwhelming..sky feeling...emptiness..fullness...and the shy.....the key
to understanding.....a gentleness....a slowed peice to stop the trembling and unlock
the wonder past the fear.....)
Rula
Tue, 2013-12-24 06:44
hello Steve
I'm always sorry because I could never fully comprehend your comments, but you know what? I always feel happy to know that my writing impresses you in a way or another.
Thank you so much for dropping by.
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eightmenout
Tue, 2013-12-24 00:37
Rula
A strong piece as always. However, I found a slight problem with logic in the first stanza. Another one goes, yet darkness grows?
No one else has mentioned it so it is most likely me not totally getting it.
Scott
Scott
Rula
Tue, 2013-12-24 06:54
Scott
I know dawn has always a positive meaning, but you know that time when the sun isn't fully rising which is explained the next line. Don't know if this makes any sense ?
Always great to hear from you.
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Geremia
Tue, 2013-12-24 06:10
This struck me straight to
This struck me straight to the heart--I AM IN TOTAL AGREEMENT WITH WILLIAM. Brava! Bravissima, Rula, for sharing this little "jewel"
Joe
Rula
Tue, 2013-12-24 07:02
thank you joe
It really pleases me to know that my words hit a chord there. Really appreciate your nice comment.
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alidzain
Sat, 2014-01-25 15:40
thank you
This is a gem.Lovely, Rula. Keep up the good work. You have never failed to amaze me with your style......
Alid
alidzain
Wed, 2014-08-20 15:07
Salaam, Rula
another good one. you know its good when I came back for another visit.
Alid
Rula
Thu, 2014-08-21 17:09
Thank you Khalid
so kind of you to visit me twice on the same page.
It definitely means a lot.
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Esker
Thu, 2015-10-08 10:02
addition.....Ive been look at in my own works..
"when muses fade
into this shade"
this shade....that shade...these shades...a shade..
"with muses fading
into its shading"
nuances...I just offer my way to read your poem
in my head......as it stands Its still a magnificent poem...
thank U!
raj
Thu, 2015-10-08 14:47
I had never chanced upon this
I had never chanced upon this piece before. I find it crisp and emotive of the mood.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)