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Remember Me
Remember Me…
When the air is soft
When the forest breathes
When the water sounds
When the sun is ripe
I will be your friend
Remember me…
Where the sands sigh
Where the snow deepens
Where the clouds weep
Where noise is constant
I will be your refuge
Remember me…
When all is turmoil
When peace is illusive
When rest is over the horizon
When the day is broken shards
I will be your comfort
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ross Hamilton Hill
Fri, 2013-03-29 02:52
Hi
this is very melodic and I can hear it being sung. My only problem is the last stanza where the meter changes
When rest is over the horizon
When the day is broken shards
these are fine lines but they change the meter
When rest is over
When the day's broken
this would keep the meter.
I don't think you need 'for I am you' it is too obvious a religious idea and sounds didactic.
'Remember me' is fine, you could repeat this a fewl times as an ending. Your images are very original, I loved this.
Josephus
Fri, 2013-03-29 08:50
Thank you for this.you bring
Thank you for this.you bring a fresh and informed set of eyes to my work that speaks to contexts and concepts I had not considered.
Thanks again,
Joe
My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.
loved
Mon, 2013-04-01 13:42
I need you so much
friend where can I find you??
loved
Josephus
Mon, 2013-04-01 16:13
Thank you
Thank you for the intuitive comment, Ioved.
Joe
My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.
loved
Fri, 2013-04-12 20:20
hello sailor solo still!
I am forever in search
of those who wish to
be remembered
when we want to
many then run away and say
I’d not meant it that way
so be gone like a summer's eve
many who love me the way I do
Only need remember me
how passionate I can be
just don't forget it
that's what I had meant when
I said remember me ...
Well friend now do you see
what I'd meant it to be.
a solo sailor still
is what even now I be.
loved
Josephus
Fri, 2013-04-12 20:58
Bless you, Loved... Bless you
Bless you, Loved... Bless you.
Joe
My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.
loved
Fri, 2013-04-12 21:32
thank you
sailor for your Blessings
I need most of it
loved