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Remember Me

Submitted by Josephus on Wed, 2013-03-27 20:41

Remember Me…
When the air is soft
When the forest breathes
When the water sounds
When the sun is ripe
I will be your friend

Remember me…
Where the sands sigh
Where the snow deepens
Where the clouds weep
Where noise is constant
I will be your refuge

Remember me…
When all is turmoil
When peace is illusive
When rest is over the horizon
When the day is broken shards
I will be your comfort

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Ross Hamilton Hill

Fri, 2013-03-29 02:52

Ross Hamilton Hill's picture

this is very melodic and I can hear it being sung. My only problem is the last stanza where the meter changes

When rest is over the horizon
When the day is broken shards

these are fine lines but they change the meter

When rest is over
When the day's broken

this would keep the meter.

I don't think you need 'for I am you' it is too obvious a religious idea and sounds didactic.
'Remember me' is fine, you could repeat this a fewl times as an ending. Your images are very original, I loved this.

Josephus

Fri, 2013-03-29 08:50

Josephus's picture

Thank you for this.you bring a fresh and informed set of eyes to my work that speaks to contexts and concepts I had not considered.

Thanks again,

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

loved

Mon, 2013-04-01 13:42

loved's picture

friend where can I find you??

loved

Josephus

Mon, 2013-04-01 16:13

Josephus's picture

Thank you for the intuitive comment, Ioved.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

loved

Fri, 2013-04-12 20:20

loved's picture

I am forever in search
of those who wish to
be remembered
when we want to

many then run away and say
I’d not meant it that way

so be gone like a summer's eve
many who love me the way I do
Only need remember me
how passionate I can be
just don't forget it
that's what I had meant when
I said remember me ...
Well friend now do you see
what I'd meant it to be.
a solo sailor still
is what even now I be.

loved

Josephus

Fri, 2013-04-12 20:58

Josephus's picture

Bless you, Loved... Bless you.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

loved

Fri, 2013-04-12 21:32

loved's picture

sailor for your Blessings
I need most of it

loved

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