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BITTER AND SWEET (rhyme patterns final version)
The birds sing in courtship's display
on this, the first warm day of spring
unfortunately the wasps are out
along with fire ant mounds of clay
Flowers' perfumes drift upon the breeze
along with my true love's faint scent
whose "look" tells me to cut the grass
and then trees' pollen makes her sneeze
And walking along a clear lake's shore
where the fair ones swim and ski
I glance down at my knobby knees
then look at the girls once more
So I'll enjoy this perfect day
not too cool and not too hot
then send a look toward my dear wife
and wonder why she'd choose to stay
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
judyanne
Fri, 2012-08-24 02:56
hi stan
I thought you as shop leader ,of all people would’ve put the original somewhere here stan so it is easier to compare the ss of the two … ??
and of course, using the rhyme scheme you have lessens the effect, but
I think you have more avoided the ss effect with word usage more so than rhyme scheme. for example you have taken away lines as
‘a wasp just stung me on the ass’
‘I've got to cut the freakin' grass’
‘belly buttons and midriffs bare’
‘along with men's knobby knees’
‘plumbers' butts shine in the breeze’
and used more sedate sounding lines as
‘unfortunately the wasps are out
along with fire ant mounds of clay’
and
‘And walking along a clear lake's shore
where the fair ones swim and ski
I glance down at my knobby knees
then look at the girls once more’
making the poem sound in a more serious vein
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-24 09:47
Hi Judy
I was worried that if I put the original below it that others would think it was required. I'll do so in a bit as time permits. And I'm not surprised it's You who caught me tossing in a few hints of my next shops content lol. But sometimes a radical change in pattern almost precludes the use of some phrases. I could probably have used some internal rhyme to maintain the original feel a little better but then I'd, again, be using a method not covered in this shop. But I'll look it over and see what I can improve ................stan
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:03
Oh! Well done!
And at the first 2 lines I thought "sentimental crap", but you made it so much more than that.
This workshop has been magnificent and I feel privileged to be part of it. Even if my contributions weren't so good.
You have vindicated my trust in making you a Workshop Leader.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:18
Hi Jess
Thank you. I'm still going to tweek this one a bit more. As to the shop, this one is just a warm-up for the next two. You know in a shop it's often the teacher who learns the most and this shop has been no exception. I feel I've learned much more than I taught. Nothing like having folks looking for guidance to focus one's attention. And your contributions were fine. So let's await the final versions from everybody and then take a break in Judy's shop (as if! lol)...............stan
weirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:27
I wish I could learn too
I have tried, but every time I lead a Workshop I fuck up by getting nasty and abusive. So though I am still Workshop Director I won't lead any workshops until I get better. This wonderful team can handle it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:34
Hi
all bodies need a head so just concentrate on keeping this madding crowd co-ordinated for now...............stan
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:46
The first three stanzas are trite
but you always somehow redeem yourself with heart touching emotion.
The rhyme is impeccable.
Work harder on your meter.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Thu, 2012-08-30 08:52
Hi Jess
Better trite than tripe lol. But this IS a shop poem so maybe that can be my excuse. Also I am continually working on meter but such is a work in progress and at this point a goal I strive for but haven't yet reached. Thanks for the feed back................stan
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 08:55
no
I don't think you work or think hard enough on your craft. You make a joke of it.
You can do better if you want to
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Thu, 2012-08-30 09:16
hi
You know I Do have a living to make and bills to pay also. It's not as if all I have to do is study poetry. I know you're prodding me for my own good but my progress will be at a paced determined by my own time schedule. Were I not serious would I presently be in 2 other shops and also reading books about poetry?. And I fully Expect to do better, but not over night. I also think you mistake using humor for making a joke of something.But.........off to work the real world calls........................stan