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My Bairns A-Stray

Submitted by Triskelion on Sat, 2024-03-16 17:47

I remember when the moon was small;
no larger than your soccer ball.
That's how old I am.

That jumping cows could clear its height
and puppies laughed to see that sight.
That's how old I am.

There were no birds, just nests of eggs.
T'was long before snakes lost their legs.
That's how old I am.

I watched the rocks each climbing high,
becoming mountains in the sky.
That's how old I am.

I felt a goodness grow in me
that promised life eternity.
That's how old I am.

I watched a glint of stardust shine
before creation made you mine.
That's how old I am.

I sowed the seeds of galaxies
when light was still a fantasy.
That's how old I am.

But here, I chose to spend my days.
I've watched you fight and watched you play.
You've grown, to my detached dismay.
Oh, care for me, my bairns a-stray!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
My contribution to attend the mother of us all. Edit. removed the word "first" from S7-L1. It really wasn't needed and interrupted the metre.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Tue, 2024-03-19 12:09

Lavender's picture
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Hello, Thomas,
This has the temperament I believe Mother Nature really owns. A gentle reminder of just how long she's been around, and our own significance. What a wonderful approach.
Thank you!
L

kowque

Fri, 2024-06-21 22:21

kowque's picture

But, I get the sentiment

Your piece feels like an ode to longing

Koki

Triskelion

Sun, 2024-07-07 08:26

Triskelion's picture
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..many thanks for your point of view. I appreciate all comments.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

kowque

Tue, 2024-07-09 23:57

kowque's picture

I don't personally understand the full image you were trying to create,not that you failed at it.

I really liked this piece.

Thank you for sharing

Koki

Triskelion

Sat, 2024-07-13 16:40

Triskelion's picture
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I didn't expect the (help me here) would be picked up for the intent, but Lavender hit it right on. Some lines would need a reference point to be relatable, but I do appreciate that you responded with how it served you personally. Every comment is a chance to learn and grow

All the best!
Thomas

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.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

Ruby Lord

Sat, 2024-07-13 14:34

Ruby Lord's picture

I've read this a few times and I have to say I didn't get it at first but when it clicked it clicked.
An ageless and timeless narrator discusses his creation? I enjoyed it the more I read it. Maybe that says more about me than you.
Loved the flow and the rhythm & how you anchored it with the repeated line, That's how old I am.
Great job, well done. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Triskelion

Sat, 2024-07-13 16:45

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Mother nature has been around since the creation of matter and energy. We all are stardust. Thanks for reading and commenting Ruby!

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

Triskelion

Sat, 2024-07-13 16:43

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...for being so ambiguous. This always happens when sailing is on my mind. Any suggestions to make it more obvious are welcome, of course.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2024-07-13 18:17

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this may sound like a dumb question, and me dumb, too: have you heard of the singing artist; Tracy Chapman's "Rape of the World (Mother of us All?)

I like your poem

respects, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Triskelion

Sat, 2024-07-13 21:28

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..I have now just read it. There are many ways to interpret the effect humans have on the earth, but my general view is that any change we as humans can make will only affect ourselves. We are the only ones who care. We need to remember that the earth has gone through physical changes that could easily wipe out all living life on its surface. It will go on.
People need to realize it's about people killing people. Mother nature can only warn us about the harm we inflict on others.
I sometimes imagine a miracle where some influenza rewires everyone's brains...hm..I'd like to go on, but it's such an impotent thing to ponder.

Thank you for liking this piece.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

Ruby Lord

Mon, 2024-07-15 14:23

Ruby Lord's picture

I think your poem wants to reflect the creation story so perhaps reordering the stanzas is one thing I would change? Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Triskelion

Mon, 2024-07-15 17:11

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back to front? Thanks, Ruby

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2024-07-16 04:58

Ruby Lord's picture

No, sorry I mean the creation by god, heaven & earth.
If you can get a synopsis of the creation you will see the order . It's the one that starts with "In the beginning"
But this is only my interpretation so you may want to leave it as it is?
It's still a great poem. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Triskelion

Tue, 2024-07-16 18:43

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... I didn't really want to rehash the biblical creation thing, but rather take a scientific approach and as if explaining to a child who is wondering how old "N" is. Of course there is some artistic license in the imaginary situations, expressed to instil wonder in the little mind, hence the use of the nursery rhyme inspired lines.
The final thoughts express the adoration for the children, that "N" preferred to spend time with them over any other thing and cautions them they need to care for (her).

Thanks for your input, Ruby Lord. I hope that brings more perspective to the piece.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment
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