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Too Late
3am came late again,
my tongue feels like a root.
I thought about our summers past
of youth, now lost and destitute.
A glass of water woke my teeth.
My vocal cords were freed.
There grew three words from blossomed lips
"I miss you" fell like sterile seeds...
From cloudy thoughts dripped salted rain
my slippers shuffled through.
Yes, 3am came late again
when I remember you...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
Taking a break from my regular writing, checking out the challenges. Any grammar, punctuation input is appreciated.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Lake Simcoe Canada
Favorite Poets
Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2023-12-12 05:23
hello, fair Lion
you asked for help, so I will give it a shot:
Too Late
Submitted by Triskelion on Tue, 2023-12-12 01:11
3am came late again( , )
My tongue feels like a root ( . )
I thought about the summer past
and youth, now lost and destitute ( . )
A glass of water woke my teeth
My vocal cords were freed ( . )
There grew three words from blossomed lips
"I miss you" fell like sterile seeds ( ... )
(And) once again, came salted rain (remove the word "And" as it is unnecessary and disrupts. Cap on Once)
My slippers shuffled through ( . )
Yes, 3am came late again
When I remember you (... remove period and add ellipses for what has not been said)
I hope I have helped. I liked the whole poem with its special rhythm. I think this is a unique and exquisite love poem. usually I quote my favorite lines back to the poet. But I think the whole piece is special and I would not break it apart for all the chocolates by Godiva!
*respectfully, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Triskelion
Fri, 2023-12-22 18:26
Thank you, Cat..
..I'm so glad someone stepped up for the virtue of grammar and punctuation. I hope it catches on. Thank you for your input. I have edited as so.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentLavender
Tue, 2023-12-12 09:13
Too Late
Hello, Thomas,
On the mark image of physical and emotional heartache - especially in the middle of the night when all things feel so intense. Lonely, yes. But much more the sensation of "alone." Silent and extremely tender.
Thank you,
L
Triskelion
Fri, 2023-12-22 18:30
Hi Lavender
Thank you again for reading and responding with your always friendly way.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2023-12-12 10:23
I am impressed...
with the feeling of "aloneness" generated. I agree with the assessments that Cat has given you. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Triskelion
Fri, 2023-12-22 18:31
Hi Geezer
All suggestions taken as prescribed! Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentRoseBlack
Tue, 2023-12-12 17:19
3am
That awful time of night where you are alone with your thoughts and it raises hell with everything else. Good job on depicting that feeling of loneliness and longing for someone to be close to you. Good job
~RoseBlack~
Triskelion
Fri, 2023-12-22 18:36
I guess...
...you know how it is, and maybe the best memories of the "who" it is will outlive the negative memories. Thanks for reading and commenting RoseBlack.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentRuby Lord
Sat, 2023-12-23 05:34
The flow of your poem is
The flow of your poem is really good and I love the way you link things together to make real life metaphors.
I stumbled on this line: "and youth, now lost and destitute." and I have a suggestion to smooth it out a little?
'Lost youth now destitute.'
Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Triskelion
Sat, 2023-12-23 10:05
Hi Ruby Lord
..and thanks for commenting. It would be helpful if you elaborated on your suggestion, as I'm not realizing the advantage. Is it a grammar issue, metre, syllable count? Any help is appreciated, thanks.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentRuby Lord
Sat, 2023-12-23 10:28
Hi Thomas, I found the use of
Hi Thomas, I found the use of "and" twice in the line tripped me up a little and I thought this unnessecarily made it a little long? The syllable count on the first four lines are as follows, 5, 6, 8, 8.
I thought you could make it more precise perhaps, but it's your choice as the writer of the poem. Hope this helps, Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Triskelion
Mon, 2023-12-25 12:34
Yes. Thank you!
That is a good call. I decided to rearrange that thought to make it more on point also. I hope that looks better. I couldn't let the syllable count go, though. Thanks again for catching that.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
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