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The Train's Last Stop (English Penfyr)
i saw her on the train track - standing there
her hair hung down her bent back
hands around a small white sack
she held a broken fiddle - mystery
her history a riddle
just standing in the middle
alone at that old crossroad - lost, she weeps
keeps lifting that heavy load
she has lost the secret code
whatever happened to her - i wonder
then thunder causes a stir
is she going to endure
whistles scream then comes the rain -thunders slam
i am attacked by her pain
as she embraces the train
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Comments
Gracy
Mon, 2020-02-17 11:58
Hi, great poem with good end
Hi, great poem with good end rhymes at the end of 2nd and 3rd. lines. I like the way you've deftly written these tercets.
I understand that she throws herself under the train? "embraces the train"? I wonder whether you need "thunder slam"?
Enjoyed, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
samary
Mon, 2020-02-17 15:02
Gracy
The Englyn is a specific form that has that 3 syllable envoi on each initial line of eac stanza. So the poem needs thunder slam or another 3 syllable envoi.
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 04:48
correct me if i am wrong.
correct me if i am wrong. without "thunder slam" i could not rhyme "i am" in next line
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 04:48
correct me if i am wrong.
correct me if i am wrong. without "thunder slam" i could not rhyme "i am" in next line
samary
Mon, 2020-02-17 15:02
Great job.
Great job for your first Englyn I love it.
Well done
your syllable count is good, really interesting subject that works well with the form lovely rhythm
A couple of tiny things that dont detract from the poem line 8 your cross rhyme is on syllable 1 not 3 or 4.
endure isnt a rhyme with stir and her but thats a small issue.
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 06:23
line 8: how about - still
line 8: how about - still she or she still keeps that heavy load? looking up and listening to word pronounciations i cannot hear a difference in stir and endure but i will change it because i know you know
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 04:51
i will endure! i will fix
i will endure! i will fix this! i could say it rhymes in usa to those with a north county bray accent lol. the cross rhyme should be on syllable 3 or 4? ok back to the train track
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 04:51
i will endure! i will fix
i will endure! i will fix this! i could say it rhymes in usa to those with a north county bray accent lol. the cross rhyme should be on syllable 3 or 4? ok back to the train track
LittleGift
Tue, 2020-02-18 05:40
Enjoyable
I enjoyed the journey of this poem a nice visual piece of writing I thought.
Thanks for sharing
LG
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 06:24
thanks. i worked hard on
thanks. i worked hard on this and got a headache lol. i also like yours.
samary
Tue, 2020-02-18 10:41
Its a lovely poem Cathy
Its a lovely poem Cathy classical is harder work than free verse its much more of a jigsaw but when it works I think the end results can be stunning.
In stir the i is basically silent you strrr
In endure you are sounding the vowel ure ans it actually sounds ewer ....well in this neck of the woods.
A ll the words that rhyme with stir have the r sound at the end
chirr, fur, myrrh,
cathy mccormick
Tue, 2020-02-18 11:54
what if instead of is she
what if instead of is she going to endure i put the wind inside (or outside?) a loud whir (not even sure if i am spelling whir right.
samary
Tue, 2020-02-18 15:46
I would be tempted to ditch the end rhyme
Her is very difficult to rhyme with maybe find an easier rhyme.
I also wondered as you have thunder in the next stanza whether to rhyme something else with wonder.
why she bore that weight of pain - I wonder
was it hunger or grief's strain
hold out a hand to restrain